These are quotes which amused me. I hope there are some you haven't seen before.
The Way Back
RAVELLA: It's natural water. The stuff we get's been recycled a thousand times and it's dosed with suppressants.
BLAKE: Improves the flavour if nothing else.
VILA: Easy! Take it easy! I hate personal violence, especially when I'm the person.
VILA: [about Cygnus Alpha] Try to look on the bright side. It must have something. None of the guests have ever left early. In fact, none of them have ever left at all.
VILA: [handing back the watch he stole from Blake] Just taking care of it while you were unconscious. This place is full of criminals.
BLAKE: What about the others?
VILA: Oh, a very antisocial bunch. Murderers, liars, cheats, [looks at Jenna] smugglers...
JENNA: [looks at Vila] Thieves...
VILA: And they're the nice people.
VILA: Friends in high places? Can't you put a word in for me?
BLAKE: I'll try and think of one.
BLAKE: Why are you here? You didn't tell me.
JENNA: I was trading round the Near Worlds. I'm a free trader.
VILA: A smuggler. She's a big name. It's an honour to be locked up with her.
JENNA: I'm glad you're pleased.
Space Fall
VILA: Do you think this is a good time for me to tell them I suffer from flight sickness?
NOVA: I don't think they'll be very sympathetic.
JENNA: I expect they'll find a cure for it, though. A permanent one probably.
VILA: [alarmed] They amputate your head!
VILA:
Blake — Kerr Avon. When it comes to computers, he's the number two man in all
the Federated worlds.
NOVA: Who's number one?
VILA: The guy who caught him.
VILA: Perhaps we should get on with it, d'you think, maybe?
GAN: Maybe. Don't be so nervous, Vila.
VILA: Nervous? I'm not nervous. Just...poised for action, that's all.
AVON: [about Vila] You've got an army of five, Blake. Five and him.
BLAKE: All right, you go then.
VILA: Me? Uh, I'd be glad to, it's just that I've got this problem with confined spaces. There's a medical name for it.
JENNA: Cowardice?
[after
a guard refuses to open a door with a palm-print lock]
GAN: Look, we only need the hand. If you want to
stay attached to it, do as you're told.
RAIKER: You
could have won, Blake. All you needed was guts.
BLAKE: I'll settle for yours.
JENNA:
What do you think they'll do to us?
BLAKE: Something unfriendly.
Cygnus Alpha
BLAKE:
Handgun?
AVON: It's a bit elaborate for a toothpick.
BLAKE: Depends how elaborate their teeth were.
JENNA: There are a lot of controls that I haven't dared touch yet.
BLAKE: Well, I doubt whether we'd understand the manuals, so go ahead and try one. Go on.
JENNA: Well, don't blame me if it's self-destruct.
BLAKE: I doubt if I'd ever speak to you again.
BLAKE: Let's look around the rest of the ship. And find out exactly what it is we've stolen.
JENNA: Salvaged.
ZEN: Wisdom must be gathered, it cannot be given.
AVON: Don't philosophise with me you electronic moron. Answer the question.
ZEN: Zen!
AVON: Zen!
JENNA: I don't think he likes you, somehow.
AVON: I think I may have to reprogram this machine.
JENNA: That still won't make you likeable.
VILA: This is nice, isn't it? What a miserable hole. If we all complained, do you think they'd give us a refund?
SELMAN:
What about guards, authorities?
VILA: Why should they bother?
It's a long walk back.
JENNA: [asking about the teleport] What was it like?
BLAKE: Well, nothing at all really. It's a bit like your property when Vila's around. Suddenly it's somewhere else.
GAN: Wait. There's a building.
VILA: Cosy.
GAN: What do you think it is?
VILA: The architectural style is early maniac.
ARCO: We need food and shelter.
VILA: But do we need them that badly?
JENNA: Is there a maximum range on this?
AVON: Of course. I don't know what it is though.
Time Squad
VILA: So much for federation pursuit ships.
GAN: At least we know we can outrun them.
VILA: Outrun them? In this we can out-stroll them!
VILA: [to Blake] I don't follow you.
AVON: Oh, but you do. And that's the problem.
GAN: Deaf, dumb, and blind, how are they going to catch us?
AVON: I'm sure Blake will manage it somehow.
JENNA: Getting nervous?
VILA: No, I've been nervous all along.
[on a capsule running out of air]
BLAKE: He's taking his time.
JENNA: It's delicate manoeuvre. He'll get there.
BLAKE: I'm breathless with anticipation.
VILA: [about Avon's handling of the Liberator] Very delicate. You know, with hands like that and a decent upbringing, he might have made a respectable pickpocket.
BLAKE: You have to be careful of the plant life around here. Some of it's carnivorous. Some species even have an intelligence rating.
VILA: That's a comfort. I should hate to be eaten by something stupid.
AVON: And he's useless as he said.
VILA: 'Harmless' was the word I used.
AVON: You couldn't even get that right.
BLAKE: Well, our aim's the same. But I wasn't planning a suicide mission.
VILA: I should hope not.
CALLY: He fears death?
VILA: I plan to live forever. Or die trying.
BLAKE: You can open it?
VILA: One side, please. [picks the lock] There you are.
BLAKE: [opening the door] Good, Vila. Very good.
VILA: It was almost nothing.
The Web
[after Cally was possessed by the 'Lost']
GAN: Avon says that's because she's an alien.
VILA: Everyone's an alien to him.
ZEN: This star system is largely uncharted.
VILA: Oh, that's marvellous. We're not sure where we are, but if we were sure, they wouldn't know where it was anyway.
[after Vila was knocked out by the possessed Cally]
BLAKE: Vila, go and see how Cally is, will you?
VILA: Must I?
JENNA: It's not catching.
VILA: It brought my head out in lumps.
AVON: [to Gan about the automatic repair system] It's slow. You should appreciate that problem.
Seek-Locate-Destroy
JENNA: Are you ready?
VILA: Tell him I've just worked out a completely new strategy. It's called running away.
BLAKE: How did you get in there?
VILA: There isn't a lock I can't open—if I'm scared enough.
BLAKE: Are you scared enough for that one?
VILA: What do you think?
BLAKE: Nice going.
VILA: Any very talented person could have done it.
AVON:
It had better be right. A fraction out and you could put us down in the middle
of the security barracks.
JENNA: Don't tempt me.
[Vila distracts some Federation guards while Blake sneaks up from behind]
VILA: Hello there. How are you? Excuse me wandering about your premises but I wonder if you can help me? I'm an escaped prisoner. I was a thief but recently I've become interested in sabotage, in a small way you understand, nothing too ambitious. I hate vulgarity, don't you? Anyway, I've come to blow something up. What do you think will be most suitable?
JENNA: Avon's right.
AVON: I usually am.
ESCON:
Apparently there's an enormous kinetic potential set up by teleport
communications. A rough analogy would be the static build-up
during an electrical storm.
TRAVIS: Yes, well, I'm always grateful for a rough
analogy.
Mission to Destiny
VILA: I don't like this.
JENNA: That's unusual.
VILA: Mock if you like, but I can always sense danger.
GAN: Yes, even when there isn't any.
AVON: Right, I'll just contact Vila. [over bracelet comms] Are you awake?
VILA: [over comms] No.
AVON: [smiles] That's what I thought.
CALLY: Remember that Avon and I will be staying. We will regard ourselves as hostages against Blake's return.
AVON: Well, thank you, Cally. What a clever idea.
CALLY: Blake will return.
AVON: You can bet your life on it. In fact you've just bet both our lives on it.
CALLY: My people have a saying: a man who trusts can never be betrayed, only mistaken.
AVON: Life expectancy must be fairly short among your people.
BLAKE: Have the locators detected the outer edge of the storm yet?
VILA: No. Yes! No! Maybe...
BLAKE: Which is it, Vila?
VILA: It's maybe.
Duel
AVON: It's just a machine, Blake.
VILA: And he should know.
GAN: Well Avon is the expert.
VILA: That's not what I meant.
AVON: No, he was calling me a machine, but since he undoubtedly defines himself as a human being, I shall choose to accept that as more of a compliment than anything else.
BLAKE: Vila, try and stay alert.
VILA: Of course I will. How can you doubt me?
BLAKE: It isn't easy, but somehow I manage it.
AVON: Logic says we're dead!
BLAKE: Logic has never explained what dead means.
BLAKE: Right. Hang on everyone. This is going to be rough.
VILA: I don't mind rough. It's fatal I'm not too keen on.
Project Avalon
BLAKE: Does it support any intelligent life?
AVON: Does the Liberator?
AVON: Another idealist, poor but honest. I shall look forward to our meeting with eager anticipation.
BLAKE: Is your anticipation eager enough to come down there with me?
AVON: Not quite. I think I shall contain my enthusiasm here in the warm.
TRAVIS:
Oh, I'll need a human to assist in a test. Check with the detention block, see
if they can give you someone.
MUTOID: Any special characteristics?
TRAVIS: No, an ordinary
unskilled labour grade will do—an expendable.
MUTOID: If there isn't one in detention?
TRAVIS: Then detain one.
TRAVIS:
I wish I could find the same urge to sacrifice among my subordinates.
AVALON: They have no cause.
TRAVIS: True.
VILA: I've got a weak chest.
AVON: The rest of you's not very impressive.
VILA: That has Klyber fastenings on the other side. You need a lot of explosives or a genius to open that.
BLAKE: Can you do it?
VILA: Of course.
Breakdown
BLAKE: Hmm. Well, presumably Zen will come back to us when we're out of danger.
VILA: Sounds like a good idea. Any chance of joining him?
AVON: Staying with you requires a degree of stupidity of which I no longer feel capable.
BLAKE: Now, you're just being modest.
RENOR: I love girls with a sense of humour.
JENNA: Yes, I can see where that would be an advantage.
RENOR: Do you believe in love at first sight, Jenna?
JENNA: Not yet.
BLAKE:
Is there any way we can thank you?
KAYN: You could try getting caught.
Bounty
BLAKE: And don't take any stupid risks. We're taking enough of those down here.
VILA: I'm entitled to my opinion.
AVON: It is your assumption that we are entitled to it as well that is irritating.
AVON: As a matter of fact, I don't like the look of it either.
VILA: [to himself] He agrees with me.
AVON: The flight path is too erratic.
VILA: Makes it all seem worthwhile somehow.
[Vila is working on Blake's explosive neckband]
VILA: And if I get it wrong, bang—no head.
BLAKE: I trust you.
VILA: And if it blows up and I'm right behind you—
BLAKE: That's why I trust you.
SARKOFF: You'd sell your grandmother, wouldn't you?
TARVIN: I did. She was going to sell me, I got in first.
Deliverance
VILA: There's hordes of them! And they don't seem to like us much!
GAN: How can you tell?
MEEGAT: [to Avon] All things are known to you. You are truly Lord
VILA: Counting yourself, that makes two people who think you're wonderful.
[after a fight with primitives]
AVON: That was close.
VILA: No respect. They obviously didn't realise who you were.
Orac
AVON: If we don't get drug treatment very soon, we shall die.
VILA: Die? I can't do that!
AVON: I'm afraid you can. It's the one talent we all share, even you.
AVON: Is Vila on his way as well?
GAN: No, he's doing his best to convince himself that he feels fine. Says we'll just remind him that he doesn't.
AVON: Sometimes he shows distinct signs of intelligence.
ENSOR: I disapprove of weapons.
BLAKE: So do I, but I disapprove of dying even more.
JENNA: Modest, isn't he?
ORAC: Modesty would be dishonesty.
VILA: What's wrong with being dishonest?
Redemption
AVON: For example, imagine that you are standing on the edge of a cliff.
BLAKE: As long as you're not standing behind me.
BLAKE: It's all right, Vila. I think we've lost them.
VILA: How d'you know?
BLAKE: We're still here.
[after an attack by unknown ships]
VILA: So why did they pick on me?
AVON: I doubt if it was personal, Vila.
VILA: It felt personal. It always feels personal when someone tries to kill me.
BLAKE: Avon, concentrate on Zen. Give priority to the detectors and the navigation systems. And then see if you can get us some scans.
AVON: Is that all? What shall I do with the other hand?
BLAKE: I'll let you know.
VILA: When you get Zen working, ask him to prescribe something for a headache, will you? I've got this shocking pain right behind the eyes.
AVON: Have you considered amputation?
VILA: If it ever comes to a showdown, my money's on Blake. Well, half of it. I'll put the other half on Avon.
[after Avon saves Blake's life]
BLAKE: That is one I owe you.
AVON: Don't worry. At the right time, I will remind you of it.
BLAKE: No, I don't think it wants to kill us.
AVON: Well, not yet, anyway. It's saving us for something.
VILA: Dinner?
Shadow
VILA: But that's Space City, one of my all-time great ambitions.
BLAKE: You'd probably be disappointed.
VILA: I'll take that chance.
BLAKE: I would never forgive myself, Vila.
VILA: And it's the service grades where the Terra Nostra really operate. Without anaesthetic, usually.
AVON:
They have a sentimental value for me.
LARGO: Oh, family heirlooms, eh?
AVON: No, I'm just sentimental about money.
VILA: [drunk] Tell you what, I'll bring you back a present. What would you like, Cally? Name it and it's yours.
CALLY: A necklace, Vila, made from your teeth.
BLAKE: Your sense of timing is as impeccable as ever.
AVON: I have always admired your patience.
GAN: Can't find Orac. Even tried calling his name.
AVON: Oh, I'm sorry I missed that. It's the kind of natural stupidity no amount of training could ever hope to match.
BLAKE: She is an alien.
AVON: She is more human than I am.
VILA: That's not difficult.
BEK: [to Vila] With what you drank, you're lucky to remember who you are.
AVON: I would hardly call that lucky.
JENNA: It's enough to fry your eyeballs.
AVON: Daintily put.
JENNA: It must be the company I keep.
AVON: Moon discs. Prized by collectors.
BLAKE: People collect odd things.
JENNA: Look what you ended up with.
VILA: Where are all the good guys?
BLAKE: You could be looking at them.
AVON: What a very depressing thought.
JENNA: [about Cally's moon-disc] I thought they died if they left the planet.
CALLY: No, you have to talk to them
AVON: That's like talking to Vila. A complete waste of time.
Weapon
AVON: Auron may be different, Cally, but on Earth it is considered ill-mannered to kill your friends while committing suicide.
SERVALAN: I'm not sure exactly how far the range on this is. It's long, but you might outrun the signal. Now, I'm prepared to give you a small start.
BLAKE: Why?
SERVALAN: Research?
Horizon
BLAKE: But where are we going to find a centre that will take us in for a month's rest and rehabilitation?
VILA: Well, that shouldn't be a problem. I mean, what's the point of being famous if you can't get a last minute booking?
VILA: Why don't you go?
AVON: You are expendable.
VILA: And you're not?
AVON: No, I am not. I am not expendable, I'm not stupid, and I'm not going.
Pressure Point
BLAKE: All right, I didn't expect you to welcome the idea. That's why I misled you just a little.
AVON: That's very diplomatically put.
BLAKE: Is my phraseology your only complaint, Avon?
AVON: No, but it is my only surprise.
VILA: I don't want to go.
AVON: You surprise me.
VILA: I don't feel well. I'm going to be a big handicap.
AVON: I'm used to that.
[after Gan runs with Vila across the forbidden zone]
BLAKE: You took a big risk there, Gan.
GAN: I thought it might save time. Besides, I needed a pacemaker.
VILA: Me, too. Implanted in me heart.
Trial
JENNA: What would you know about guilt?
AVON: Only what I've read.
RONTANE: Shall we dine?
BERCOL: I wish I'd known that this was going to drag on so. I'd have brought my own chef. As I recall, Space Command's cuisine is appalling.
VILA: Paradise that is not.
AVON: Perhaps Blake knows something that we don't.
VILA: There aren't even any people down there.
AVON: So it has at least one aspect of paradise.
BLAKE: [on a recorded message] ...I took one hell of a risk with your lives when I went ahead with the attack on Central Control. I thought it was justified, I thought we had a chance to win. And I was wrong. Completely, utterly, stupidly wrong.
AVON: I noticed that.
VILA: They missed us! Avon's gadget works!
BLAKE: I never doubted it for a moment. [to Avon] Is something wrong?
AVON: It just occurred to me, that as the description of a highly sophisticated technological achievement, 'Avon's gadget works' seems to lack a certain style.
Killer
AVON: I told you, he's a friend of mine.
VILA: Yes, I always knew you had a friend. I used to say to people, 'I bet Avon's got a friend, somewhere in the galaxy'.
AVON: And you were right. That must be a novel experience for you.
VILA: All the home comforts. [he pours himself a drink]
AVON: Leave that stuff alone.
VILA: You live your way, I'll live mine. Mm, must be all of two days old.
TYNUS: So that's the way it is?
AVON: Well, let's just say I did you a favour and now I'm collecting.
VILA: Nice. When Avon holds out the hand of friendship, watch his other hand. That's the one with the hammer.
VILA: Nerves getting a little frayed?
AVON: There are a quarter of a million volts running through that converter. I make one false move, I'll be so crisped up what's left of me won't fit into a sandwich.
VILA: I'm a vegetarian. Thanks for the offer, though.
Hostage
[after a space battle]
VILA: I could murder a relaxant. Any chance?
CALLY: It's for medicinal purposes only. You know that.
VILA: This once?
CALLY: Well, are you dying?
VILA: I'm thinking about it.
BLAKE: Looks as though the Federation have developed a shield themselves.
CALLY: Yes, well, they got very very close before we saw them.
AVON: That is the most depressing aspect of the whole affair. I was rather hoping to sell them the idea.
VILA: What have I done to deserve this?
AVON: How long a list would you like?
Countdown
AVON: Nothing very special. Temperate climate in the equatorial zone, but both polar regions are uninhabitable. Temperatures remaining close to absolute zero.
VILA: Sounds bracing.
BLAKE: All right, Avon, get kitted up. You too, Vila.
VILA: Good, terrific. I'm really looking forward to this. Danger, excitement, sudden death. I can't wait.
VILA: You're quite sure you need me?
BLAKE: Certain.
AVON: Doesn't it make you feel good to be wanted?
VILA: I've been a wanted man all my life. What I need now is to be unwanted.
AVON: It would be stupid to be shot up by our own allies.
VILA: Not only stupid—painful.
BLAKE: It's locked.
VILA: Allow me. You see—the old magic's still there.
AVON: The old ego, too.
VILA: There's a sliding section in the roof—they're launch doors [he opens and closes them]
BLAKE: Why don't you do that again? Maybe they didn't hear you.
VILA: [opening a safe] Watch this—it should open like a dream [the safe door explodes]
BLAKE: More like a nightmare.
Voice from the Past
[looking at an asteroid]
AVON: Predictably barren.
JENNA: Wretched mining companies. No sense of aesthetics.
AVON: What do you want them to do, landscape?
JENNA: Well, they could make an effort.
VILA:
And then he just stopped talking.
AVON: Why don't you follow his example?
Gambit
[Avon suggests how to cheat the Big Wheel]
VILA: Ohhhh, that is beautiful! Avon, there are times when I almost get to like you.
AVON: Yes, well, that makes it all worthwhile.
CHENIE: So. You've saved his life twice. Why?
TRAVIS: It's my noble nature.
CHENIE: Oh, yes, Travis. I can see. It shines from your one yellow eye.
The Keeper
VILA: Hey, the air's a bit niffy.
JENNA: Hmm, sulphur. Rots your lungs eventually.
VILA: Marvellous, I can hardly wait.
VILA: Ah, don't leave me here, at least leave me a torch. I don't like the dark. I like to see what I'm scared of.
Star One
BLAKE: Maximum scan, Cally. Look for anything unusual or out of place, sudden temperature variation, anything. They're bound to have left some clue as to where they put that installation. A door would be nice if you could manage it.
CALLY: I'll do my best.
BLAKE: Preferably one marked 'Entrance'.
BLAKE: One door.
CALLY: As requested.
BLAKE: Well done, Cally.
AVON: It isn't marked 'Entrance'.
CALLY: Nobody's perfect.
VILA: Then they are expecting an invasion? A hoard of hairy aliens?
ORAC: There is no logical reason why aliens should be hairy.
VILA: There is no logical reason why people should be hairy.
[Avon shoots an Andromedan]
LURENA: What are they?
AVON: Unfriendly. Which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to love.
ANDROMEDAN: Why have you betrayed your own kind? Why have you given us the means to eradicate your species?
BLAKE: [pretending to be Travis] Eradicate humanity?
ANDROMEDAN: Virtually.
BLAKE: Well, maybe I just don't like crowds.
Aftermath
TROOPER 2: Historic victory, that's what they'll call it.
TROOPER 1: [groans]
TROOPER 2: How does it feel to have made history?
TROOPER 1: Very painful, sir.
[after Dayna kisses Avon]
AVON: What was that for?
DAYNA: Curiosity.
AVON: I'm all in favour of healthy curiosity. I hope yours isn't satisfied too easily.
DAYNA: Without danger there's no pleasure.
AVON: That must limit your range of pleasures a bit.
MELLANBY: Blake and the Liberator? I've been hearing reports for the last couple of years. You were magnificent.
AVON: Not from where I was sitting.
SERVALAN: You are infinitely corruptible. You'd sell out anybody, wouldn't you?
AVON: I don't know; I never really had an offer I felt was worthy of me.
SERVALAN: I'm going to be honest with you.
AVON: That should be mildly disconcerting.
Powerplay
VILA: Will that hurt?
LOM: A little.
VILA: Oh. It's just I'm not very good with pain. It's not that I'm a coward or anything. It's just that I have a very low pain threshold. Hardly a threshold at all, actually.
DAYNA: There were only two. I should have been able to kill them both.
AVON: We all have our off days.
AVON: Are you any good with locks?
DAYNA: No, but then neither are you, by the look of it.
AVON: You should never judge by appearances.
DAYNA: I don't, I judge by results, and you're not getting any.
[after finding a dead guard with a knife in his back]
AVON: That's a difficult way to commit suicide.
DAYNA: Maybe he was cleaning it and it went off.
DAYNA: Avon, why do you keep everything to yourself? Why so secretive?
AVON: Perhaps I'm shy.
VILA: Oh, you've no idea what I've been through.
CALLY: How is it?
VILA: Well, it's all right if you don't count the agony.
TARRANT: Naturally I heard something of what Blake and the rest of you were doing.
AVON: We tried not to keep it a secret.
AVON: That one's Cally. I'll introduce her more formally when she wakes up. This one is Vila. I should really introduce him now, he's at his best when he's unconscious.
AVON: [to Dayna and Tarrant] Welcome to the Liberator.
VILA: And you are, welcome to it.
CALLY: Oh, given the choice would you rather be a load of spare parts down there?
AVON: Or one spare part up here?
Volcano
DAYNA: And don't look so warlike.
TARRANT: Coming from you that's almost funny.
CALLY: All right, but keep in touch. Heroic rescues can be embarrassing if you're not actually in danger.
CALLY: I think it's time to start worrying.
VILA: I've been worried all along.
VILA: Pretty? Yes, I suppose she is. I hadn't really noticed.
AVON: We've seen you not really noticing. Frequently.
VILA: There isn't a volcano alive that would dare to swallow Avon.
CALLY: Be quiet Vila.
VILA: He's cold enough to put out the fire anyway.
[after the Pyroans destroy themselves rather than be conquered by Servalan]
CALLY: She lost, and we lost. Only the Pyroans won.
VILA: If that's winning, I'll take losing every time.
Dawn of the Gods
VILA: Why don't I ever win?
AVON: Being a born loser may have something to do with it.
AVON: [about Vila] Our hero lives.
TARRANT: At least he didn't try to get into a spacesuit.
AVON: I look upon self-interest as my great strength.
VILA: I'm now in the inspection compartment. I am now depressurizing. I am now trying to open the hatch.
TARRANT: [over comms] Use your delicate skilful touch.
VILA: [stomps on hatch which gives] I used my delicate skilful boot.
AVON: It would seem that this crude device is intended to frighten primitive people from underdeveloped worlds.
VILA: It's doing a pretty good job on me.
CALIPH: Where is Orac?
TARRANT: If he's not on the ship, I don't know where he is.
CALIPH: How tall is he? (Tarrant demonstrates) A dwarf?
TARRANT: We never think of him as one.
CALIPH: What is the colour of his hair?
TARRANT: He hasn't got any. A bald dwarf shouldn't be too hard to find.
Harvest of Kairos
TARRANT: A bit of piracy, we agreed.
VILA: Yeah, piracy, not lunacy.
VILA: Doesn't exactly look like a fortune, does it?
TARRANT: You have to spend it wisely then, won't you? Just buy one planet at a time.
SERVALAN: Unless, of course, you want to accept my word.
TARRANT: I'd rather accept the business end of a poisonous snake.
[after Jarvik teleports with Dayna as captive]
SERVALAN: Now, Jarvik, the bracelets. I assume you did bring them all?
JARVIK: Of course.
SERVALAN: There seems to be a body in one of them.
VILA: Are you sure you can dock this thing?
TARRANT: I hadn't really considered it.
VILA: What?
TARRANT: I thought we'd be dead by now.
City at the Edge of the World
VILA: Let's get on with it, then.
AVON: No last minute protests, no sudden illnesses?
CALLY: It's a tracer. Orac can locate it and tell us exactly where you are at any time.
VILA: I'm not swallowing that.
AVON: It's perfectly harmless. It dissolves eventually.
VILA: Your hands clean?
VILA: I'll get you for this, Tarrant. I'll tear your arm off and beat you to death with the wet end.
VILA: Where did you come from?
KERRIL: Here and there. Mostly there.
AVON: It's a pity we're not all as reliable as Zen.
CALLY: But I thought you were.
VILA: I don't believe in suicide. It stunts your growth.
[after making love in a room with a limited air supply]
VILA: We're still alive. Kerril. Kerril, we're still alive! We should be dead by now.
KERRIL: Are you bragging or complaining?
VILA: Oh, please. Can't we stop fighting now? Of all the things I enjoy doing, quarrelling with you comes five hundred and seventy-fourth on my list.
KERRIL: I'm sorry. Shall we go?
VILA: That list.
KERRIL: Things you enjoy doing?
VILA: You wouldn't be interested in what comes top of it, would you?
CALLY: Vila, we thought we'd lost you!
AVON: But every silver lining has a cloud.
VILA: I'd say you got that wrong, except I know you didn't.
VILA: I think I've just made the biggest mistake of my life.
ORAC: In the light of your previous record, that seems unlikely. Hah! I would predict that there are far greater mistakes waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for them.
Children of Auron
CALLY: So it's just revenge you're after?
AVON: Just and sweet.
AVON: The trouble with the people of Auron is that they all suffer from a superiority complex.
VILA: You should get on well with them then.
[after Dayna takes a Federation officer's gun]
VILA: Disarming, isn't she?
Rumours of Death
SHRINKER: What have I ever done to him?
DAYNA: You killed someone he loved.
VILA: And there aren't many of them about. Avon's not a very lovable man, in case you hadn't noticed.
FORRES: Some days are better than others, sir. They say that where I come from, sir.
GRENLEE: Loudly, I imagine, on the day you left.
FORRES: My mother cried when I left. Thought she'd never see me again.
GRENLEE: Cries easily, your mother, does she?
FORRES: No, not really, sir. But I owed her money, you see. [Grenlee looks askance.] Oh, it's true, may I never leave this spot.
GRENLEE: That can be arranged, Section Leader.
AVON: You know Orac's main drawback?
DAYNA: He's too useful to destroy.
AVON: Irritating, isn't it?
SULA: Alive, Servalan can hand over power. Dead, she's just one more corpse. Haven't we got enough of those?
HOB: We're clearing them away now.
CALLY: [to Avon] We've talked about it and discovered we care what happens to you.
TARRANT: Within reason, of course.
DAYNA: We're as surprised about it as you are.
VILA: Not to mention, embarrassed.
TARRANT: Stay awake.
VILA: [on teleport duty] Of course.
TARRANT: And sober.
VILA: That was uncalled for. [he pours a drink] I only drink to be sociable. Cheers, Orac.
Sarcophagus
DAYNA: Vila didn't win again.
VILA: It was your fault. You put me off.
DAYNA: With pleasure. On the first planet we come to.
VILA: My experience of aliens hasn't exactly been warming.
TARRANT: Your experiences with humans haven't been particularly glowing either.
VILA: We are going to be able to get back, aren't we? I shouldn't like to have to spend the rest of my life here.
AVON: Don't worry. It wouldn't be a long one.
CALLY: [after shooting at a movement] I saw something. I think it must have been my reflection.
VILA: You can take modesty too far, you know.
TARRANT: I don't take any orders from you.
AVON: Well, now that's a great pity, considering that your own ideas are so limited.
TARRANT: And tomorrow, everything will look different?
AVON: If it does, you can assume you're on the wrong ship.
VILA: My head's killing me.
TARRANT: You should learn self-defence.
VILA: That doesn't make sense to me.
DAYNA: Well, then obviously it's the right answer.
Ultraworld
DAYNA: Whatever it is, I don't like the look of it.
AVON: Question is, does it like the look of us?
[after Cally disappears]
TARRANT: Why suddenly decide to teleport down to a strange planet?
VILA: Day trip?
AVON: You really believe in taking risks, don't you?
TARRANT: Calculated ones.
AVON: Calculated on what? Your fingers?
ULTRA 2: There is another process involved. Nucleoplasmic absorption.
TARRANT: Oh, well that's a relief. I thought it might be something complicated.
ULTRA 1: The process is extremely complex.
AVON: Ignore him. That's what passes for wit on board our ship.
AVON: [to Vila on teleport] I told you to stand by, not lie down.
Moloch
TARRANT: What would Servalan want with a penal colony?
AVON: Who knows? Perhaps she wants to compare notes with some other genocidal maniacs. Or take a refresher course in basic brutality.
VILA: [waking up on hearing his name] What's that? Oh, no. No to whatever it was.
GROSE:
The Liberator? That's Blake's ship.
AVON: He liked to think so.
Death-Watch
DAYNA: Come on, Tarrant, I could've worked it out on my fingers by now. Move any faster, you'll break into a standstill.
VILA: Now, Cally, Dayna, let's not be violent. You know how I hate to see a man cry, especially when it's me.
DARVID (VISCAST ANNOUNCER): "Space, the final frontier" as it was once called.
VILA: Well, how can you enjoy yourself staying here?
CALLY: Well, maybe it's got something to do with the fact that you won't be.
VILA: There's nothing here. Everyone's gone home. Everything's closed.
CALLY: No joyous multitude?
VILA: No joyous anybody. I've seen more life in a prison blanket.
CALLY: Have a little patience, Vila.
VILA: What for? All that ever gets you is older.
SERVALAN: But I don't think of you as an enemy, Avon. I think of you as a future friend.
AVON: I presume you have no tedious scruples about cheating and lying?
TARRANT: None at all.
AVON: Oh, good.
Terminal
TARRANT: Well, we can't always have what we want, Vila.
VILA: I had noticed.
VILA: What are you going to do if he spots you?
TARRANT: Duck
VILA: [on leaving the Liberator] Incidentally, you should always be careful about getting a second-hand spacecraft. They can be very unreliable
Rescue
DAYNA: Don't you ever get bored with being right?
AVON: Just with the rest of you being wrong.
VILA: [after rescuing Tarrant] If I've broken my back hauling a corpse about, I'll never forgive you, Tarrant.
VILA: Orac got a bit dented. For which he blames me. It seems I rescued the wrong one.
DAYNA: You were supposed to be keeping an eye on Tarrant.
VILA: I saved his life once. Am I supposed to make a career of it?
AVON: Pass out again and I'll leave you, Tarrant.
TARRANT: I'm surprised you came back this time.
AVON: We stand a better chance as a group.
TARRANT: What? While something is eating me you can get away?
DORIAN: Name's Dorian. And in case you hadn't noticed, I just saved your friends' lives.
AVON: You know what they say. No good deed goes unpunished.
TARRANT: It's just a Wanderer class planet hopper. Mark II by the look of it. Obsolete, but functional.
AVON: I want it flown, not catalogued.
VILA: On these old cargo ships only the main deck is pressurised in flight.
DAYNA: Oh, that'll be cosy.
VILA: Would you rather be snuggling up to those snakes? [he puts an arm around her]
DAYNA: Can I think about it— [she steps away] —and let you know?
TARRANT: Better strap down tight. I haven't lifted these into orbit too often.
DAYNA: How often?
TARRANT: Once.
VILA: When was that?
TARRANT: In about one minute and forty five seconds.
[after Vila cracks Dorian's gun locker]
DAYNA: I worked for nearly a year on a gun like this. I never did get it right.
VILA: Just goes to prove what I've always said. Stealing's quicker.
TARRANT: Avon's quite capable of killing you, you know.
DORIAN: I never doubted it.
DAYNA: Beneath that cold exterior, beats a heart of pure stone.
DAYNA: Don't tell me you're tired already.
TARRANT: All right, I'll keep it a secret.
Power
TARRANT: Well, can't you bypass it?
VILA: No, they're foolproof.
TARRANT: Well, perhaps—
VILA: And before you say it, they're Avon-proof too.
GUNN SAR: What do you want?
VILA: A second chance?
Traitor
VILA: Tarrant has about as much subtlety as a Tarsian warg-strangler.
SOOLIN: Doesn't have much time for Tarrant does he?
AVON: Ah well, Tarrant is brave; young; handsome. There are three good reasons for anyone not to like him.
SOOLIN: [to Avon] What did you do?
VILA: What any skilled technician does with solid-state circuitry: He kicked the living quartz out of it.
VILA: Blake would have been proud of you, you know.
AVON: I know, but then he never was very bright.
AVON: Slave! Give me manual control! I'm banking on them searching outwards, not inwards.
VILA: And if you're wrong?
AVON: If I'm wrong you can say "I told you so", provided you speak loudly and quickly.
Stardrive
AVON: Slave! What is our life support capability?
SLAVE: One hundred and fifty-five hours, Master.
SOOLIN: Oh! By the time the oxygen runs out, we'll be bored as well as dead.
VILA: You know, they say all your life passes in front of you when you're about to, about to... y'know. It's what's happening to me now. All my past life....
AVON: That's one misfortune we don't have to share.
SOOLIN: Out of the mouths of drunks ...
VILA: Drunk? Who's drunk?
DAYNA: You are.
VILA: Show me how to get drunk on plain water and I won't waste time.
DAYNA: Well, then why pretend?
VILA: Because, my lovely Dayna and Soolin, no one ever tells someone who's drunk to volunteer.
VILA: It's a Space Rat!
SOOLIN: Friends of yours?
VILA: Friends? Space Rats? There's no such thing as a friend of a Space Rat. They even hate each other.
TARRANT: What else do you know about them?
VILA: They're maniacs, psychopaths! All they live for is sex and violence, booze and speed. And the fellows are just as bad. We had a couple in the penal colony once. They were always trying to frighten me.
DAYNA: And they never succeeded, of course.
VILA: I'm stuck.
DAYNA: So am I, Vila. With you.
Animals
VILA: This isn't fair, you know.
AVON: No. It's pretty foul by the look of it.
AVON: Don't push your luck.
VILA: What luck?
Headhunter
VILA: Supposing they fire off a few interceptors in this direction?
TARRANT: Duck!
VILA: A little hard work never hurt anyone.
TARRANT: How would you know?
ORAC: Join us, Soolin. We can fulfil your every desire.
SOOLIN: You wouldn't know where to start.
Assassin
DAYNA: A hired assassin with Servalan as his utiliser - why?
AVON: I don't want to seem paranoid, but the tape said five subjects. You may use your fingers, if you like, Vila.
TARRANT: Oh, come on. Nobody's infallible.
AVON: All right, then he's not infallible. It's just that up to now, he has never failed.
Games
AVON: Because apart from being a brilliant geologist and an expert in mining techniques he is also greedy, avaricious, and a crook.
VILA: Has he got any faults?
TARRANT: Good shot though. If he hadn't already been dead, you'd have saved our lives for certain.
DAYNA: Oh, do I get a prize?
TARRANT: Sorry, disqualified on a technicality.
VILA: [about a knife discovered on him] I found it.
GUARD: Where?
VILA: It was stuck in one of your men.
[after Tarrant throws a guard into the pressure plant producing a puff of red dust]
VILA: Nasty way to go. All that dust, very bad for the chest.
VILA: They're after blood, my blood.
DAYNA: Tell them you've already given.
VILA: We've been trying to contact you for an hour. What the hell have you been doing, taking a nap?
AVON: [over comms] I've been doing what we came for. How about you?
VILA: Oh nothing much, I've been shot at, trodden on, nearly captured twice and now I think they're trying to blow me up. A fairly average day, you know.
Sand
REEVE: There's nothing for you on Virn. Unless someone thought I'd be lonely?
SERVALAN: I'm sure you're accustomed to loneliness, Investigator Reeve. You must be alone such a lot.
DAYNA: Oh, I trust you, Avon.
AVON: I must be slipping.
VILA: I never could stand the sight of blood.
DAYNA: The feeling is probably mutual.
TARRANT: Being shut in here with you is rather like being locked in a cage with a panther—a black cat with large golden eyes and long silver talons.
SERVALAN: Oh, Tarrant. I'm just the girl next door.
TARRANT: If you were the girl next door, I'd move.
SERVALAN: Where would you move to, Tarrant?
TARRANT: Next door?
SOOLIN: [about Vila] His pulse is very weak.
AVON: Well that should go very nicely with the rest of him.
Gold
KEILLER I've got a criminal record, you see.
VILA: Hasn't everybody?
Orbit
AVON: What is the surface analysis, Slave?
SLAVE: Nitrogen, methane, and argon predominate. Also traces of free ammonia and sulphur compounds. It is unsuitable for your illustrious life form, Master.
VILA: He thinks it stinks, too.
EGRORIAN: Natural leaders are rarely encumbered with intelligence. Greed, egotism, animal cunning, and viciousness are the important attributes. Qualities I detect in you in admirably full measure.
AVON: I didn't come here to be flattered.
EGRORIAN: Now, then, Avon. What would you say if I offered you mastery of the galaxy?
AVON: Oh, I would say thank you.
VILA: For a whole galaxy? Oh, come on, Avon, show the man some gratitude.
EGRORIAN:
[giggles] Do you think my mind is addled?
VILA: No, no, it's just we don't get offered galaxies
every day of the week.
Warlord
DAYNA: It's going badly.
VILA: Hardly surprising. Avon's idea of diplomacy is like breaking someone's leg then saying, "Lean on me."
Blake
VILA: I never liked that place anyway.
SOOLIN: Especially not once the wine ran out.
AVON: But then figureheads aren't too difficult to come by. Any idiot can be one.
DAYNA: Hey, on your feet, Vila. This could be your big moment.
AVON: Any idiot within reason, that is.
VILA: We know what we've got planned. Running away is what we've got planned.
DAYNA: A strategic withdrawal is what we've got planned.
VILA: There's a difference?
TARRANT: Oh, yes. A strategic withdrawal is running away—but with dignity.
VILA: So lay in a course and let's get the dignified hell out of here!
VILA: Does that mean safer?
AVON: In the end, winning is the only safety.
VILA: It doesn't mean safer. I didn't think it would.
TARRANT: All right, everybody, stand by for a rather sudden visit to Gauda Prime.
VILA: There must be something we can do!
AVON: I'll accept suggestions!
VILA: How does "Abandon ship!" grab you?
BLAKE: Do you know it's getting so you can't make a dishonest living on this planet anymore?
BLAKE:
Whose ship is this?
TARRANT: Why? You thinking of making an offer for it?
SOOLIN: Surely you're not afraid of the dark.
VILA: Only when it's unilluminated.
SOOLIN: If you want to survive on this planet you have to assume that everyone is out to get you.
VILA: I always assume that wherever I go.
AVON: The fire was stupid. Putting Vila on guard was suicidal. What's the matter, is staying alive too complicated for you?
VILA: What hit me?
DAYNA: Don't worry, Vila. They went for your least vulnerable spot.
VILA: Oh, my head!
DAYNA: Exactly.
DAYNA: You wouldn't have set us up, by any chance, would you, Avon?
SOOLIN: Now that is an unattractive idea. I really could be quite annoyed if I thought we'd been the bait in a trap you'd laid for them, Avon.
VILA: You can't kill me. I'm completely harmless, I'm armless.