Transcript of ‘The Sevenfold Crown’

[Scorpio flight deck]

SLAVE 

Visual contact: Federation guard ship.

SOOLIN 

Let me see it. [she looks at the screen] How long have we got?

SLAVE 

Within firing range in one minute 45 seconds. Hostile changing course to intercept.

SOOLIN 

[opening comms] Tarrant! We’ve been spotted. We’ve got to bring the others up and get out of here fast!

TARRANT 

[over comms, sound of hammering in background] Nearly there. Coupla minutes.

SOOLIN  

Make it one or we’re dead!

FED SHIP 

[hailing them] Wanderer class ship, identify yourself and give the password.

SOOLIN 

Space freighter Taurus to guard ship. We need supplies. Can you tell us if there’s a commercial depot on this planet? Over.

FED SHIP 

I say again, identify yourself. Give your identification code.

SOOLIN 

Oh, ah, yes, yes of course, now...where did I put the ship’s papers... [she rustles some papers] Um, give me a moment. It’s been a long trip and the skipper’s not feeling so good. If you ask me, it’s his own fault, it’s that—

FED SHIP 

This is an official warning. If you do not identify yourself in accordance with regulations, you will be considered hostile and destroyed. You have one minute.

SLAVE 

Would it be helpful if I gave you a countdown, mistress?

SOOLIN 

TARRANT!

TARRANT 

Yeah, yeah, nearly there.

SLAVE 

[at the same time] 60...59...58...57...

[Servalan’s quarters]

AVON 

Got it.

VILA 

About time too.

AVON 

The simplest way is often the best way. Just remember—anything she throws at us is only an illusion, right?

VILA 

Right! [more uncertainly] Right.

SERVALAN 

And what are you proposing to do? Your gun is useless and your body—

AVON 

Why do I need a weapon? I have torn out the throat of a tiger with this very hand.

SERVALAN 

Have you indeed? Then show me.

[a tiger appears and growls]

AVON 

Illusion. Give me the stone. [he grabs Servalan by the throat]

SERVALAN 

Oh...if... [gasps]

VILA 

Don’t strangle her, Avon. On second thoughts...

[the door opens]

SERVALAN 

Oh, Lieutenant Vledka. What very good timing.

VLEDKA 

Hands high, the pair of you.

VILA 

You can’t fool me, you’re only a hallucination.

VLEDKA 

What?

SERVALAN 

No! Don’t kill him!

VILA 

You see, nothing but a— [Vledka hits him] Oh! [he falls]

AVON 

Drop your gun or the commissioner is dead.

SERVALAN 

Ohh...uh.

SOOLIN 

[over bracelet comms] Avon, Vila, I’m bringing you up.

AVON 

No!

[they teleport]

[Scorpio flight deck]

SLAVE 

...ten...nine...eight... [continues to count down during following]

VILA 

[moans in pain]

AVON 

What d’you think you’re doing?

SOOLIN 

Quiet! Stand by for maximum thrust.

AVON 

Tarrant! Give me a hand with Vila.

FED SHIP 

Identify now or I fire.

SLAVE 

...three...two...one... [drive starts] ...zero.

SOOLIN 

Slave. Status report.

SLAVE 

Hostile beyond contact range. No sign of pursuit.

SOOLIN 

We’ve lost them.

DAYNA 

Well done.

AVON 

[sarcastically] Well done.

SOOLIN 

Whew!

AVON 

Do you realise that I had Servalan in my hands—literally?

TARRANT 

A lot of use that would have been without Scorpio, or were you thinking of settling down on Furno?

SOOLIN 

Slave, return to base.

SLAVE 

Yes, mistress.

VILA 

[moans]

DAYNA 

What happened to Vila?

VILA 

Oh, that was a terrible dream. Ooh! My head...hang on a moment!

AVON 

We didn’t even get the stone.

DAYNA 

The stone?

VILA 

The stone, yeah. It’s all coming back. Yes—Servalan’s psionic gizmo. Ooh! [mutters] Some illusion, that was.

AVON 

For one moment I had in my grasp the key to our future, a future free from Servalan with the Federation defeated. Now, thanks to your crass incompetence—

SOOLIN 

Oh! Thank you!

AVON 

—we don’t even know where she’s heading.

VILA 

Oh yes, we do. [he pulls out some papers]

AVON 

What’s that you’ve got?

VILA 

One of the copies of that professor fellow’s book of words. I thought it might come in useful, so I nicked it while you were having your first little tete a tete with Servalan. Ooh! It had better be worth it.

[Xenon base]

AVON 

He must have told her...Vila, would it be too much to ask you to finish your dinner at the table? You’ve done nothing but eat ever since we got back to base.

VILA 

[mouth full] Fear makes me hungry.

AVON 

As I was saying, the professor must have told Servalan the name of the planet before he came into the room, it certainly isn’t in his notes. We’ve got to get there before she does. If she lays her hands on that diadem...

TARRANT 

So, what did you hear him tell her?

AVON 

Very little. Where the stone came from, its powers, his devotion to our friend.

VILA 

He did say the name of the bloke who wears the crown thing, um...King Billabong or something?

AVON 

Gheblakon, yes, though how that helps... Mean anything to anybody?

TARRANT 

Not me.

DAYNA 

No.

AVON 

Soolin?

SOOLIN 

Never heard of him.

VILA 

Why don’t you ask your clever friend?

AVON 

Orac? Because I know quite well what it’ll say. We should be bright enough to work it out for ourselves.

DAYNA 

No harm in trying.

AVON 

[inserts Orac’s key] Orac. Scan this text and tell us to which planet in this galaxy it refers.

ORAC 

A simple matter of elementary general knowledge and primitive reasoning will give you all the possible answers.

AVON 

Which are?

ORAC 

I was not designed to play children’s games. Do not waste my time.

AVON 

You see?

TARRANT 

Wretched thing. Why can’t it behave like an ordinary computer?

VILA 

It’s only human after all.

AVON 

[sarcastically] Ha ha.

DAYNA 

But that’s the point. He is partly human. I mean, he’s been designed and programmed to react like a human. Isn’t that right—dear Orac?

ORAC 

That is correct.

DAYNA 

[as if to a small child] And you’re so very, very clever. You must be the cleverest computer in the whole of the known universe.

ORAC 

Why do you tell me this? I already know it to be true.

SOOLIN 

You misunderstand her, Orac. Dayna is saying that because you are so clever, you overestimate the abilities of our species. We really are very stupid, you know.

ORAC 

That I also know to be true. Very well.

DAYNA 

Yes!

SOOLIN 

[satisfied sigh]

ORAC 

The references to piracy, to the sovereign lords, to the date of regaining access to space after the great imperial war, these inexorably point to a mere handful of planets, some two dozen, scattered though all sectors. These are Illanik, Hethbrau, Torella, Spontlo—

AVON 

Yes, all right, all right. The present king’s name is Gheblakon. Does that help?

ORAC 

I despair. Of course it does. A name of such obvious derivation. The family of languages found on the rim of the second sector retains common roots. ‘Ghebla’: iron or more rarely, ‘bronze’. ‘Kon’, a shortened form of ‘ukon’ or ‘urkon’: ‘human being’. Hence, Gheblakon, the man of iron, a typical primitive formation found universally—

AVON 

But where?

DAYNA 

Mm?

AVON 

Where can we find this Gheblakon, King Gheblakon?

ORAC 

If you will allow me to complete my sentence. A typical primitive formation, as I was about to say, found universally in underdeveloped planets, such as Torella.

TARRANT 

Torella? The holiday planet?

[Fairground on Torella, the cries of sideshow barkers]

BARKER 1 

Blood pies!

BARKER 2 

Candy corpses!

BARKER 3 

[unintelligible, possibly not Terran]

BARKER 4 

Come and ride the pirate rocket! Join the fearless buccaneers as they rip the defenceless women once more from the arms of their menfolk.

BARKER 5 

[at the same time] Only ten trids to see the peepshow.

BARKER 6 

A palpitating plenitude of pendulous pulchritude. Now you, sir. You look like a gentleman of taste and discernment. I’ve got a special presentation just right for you, sir. A bit more juicy and interactive, ha ha, if you know what I mean.

AVON 

Thank you, no, I’m a little pressed for time.

BARKER 6 

Please yourself. Come and see the peepshow...

AVON 

[opening bracelet comms, speaking quietly] Scorpio, Scorpio, do you copy?

DAYNA 

[over comms] I copy, Avon.

AVON 

Don’t send the others down yet, Dayna, I’ve arrived in the middle of a tourist area. Luckily there’s such a crowd, nobody noticed me. I’m now going down an alley. I’m behind the show booths. Piles of garbage, swarms of dung flies, and I just saw something very like a rat with six legs. There’s nobody about. It’s safe to bring the others down now.

DAYNA 

Stand by.

[Tarrant teleports]

TARRANT 

What a stink!

AVON 

Well, it’s not the odour of sanctity, I can assure you of that. Where are the others?

TARRANT 

The teleport’s still playing up. Slave’s going on about overloaded circuits but he hasn’t a notion how to fix it, so Dayna’s sending us down one by one.

[Soolin teleports]

SOOLIN 

Made it, just. Oh, it smells like a cesspit!

[Vila flickers in and out of existence]

VILA 

[at first, unintelligible fragments of words, then, cutting in and out:] What’s going on? Can’t you fix it? [arrives properly] That was horrible. I’m not missing any bits, am I?

TARRANT 

Not noticeably.

VILA 

It was like coming down in a falling lift that wouldn't stop at any floor.

DAYNA 

Vila. Vila. Do you copy? Have you made it?

VILA 

Yeah, all in one piece. Bar my stomach which is somewhere near re-entry at a rough guess.

DAYNA 

Goodbye then. Have a good holiday all of you. And try to be good while mummy’s away. Out.

AVON 

Right, you two. Got your money?

SOOLIN 

Six thousand apiece. I’d feel happier if I had a gun.

VILA 

Me too.

AVON 

How many tourists carry guns? You’ll just have to rely on your wits, no doubt an alien concept to you, Vila. Don't communicate with us at the palace except in an emergency. And don’t use names, even then. [starts to walk away]

SOOLIN 

Hang on a moment. If we have to meet you officially, what is your name?

AVON 

I’m...Major Dagstat, in the service of his royal highness, the crown prince Landros of Hiltarno—

SOOLIN 

Oh.

AVON 

—here on an unofficial visit.

TARRANT 

And that’s me. I think I’m going to enjoy this.

AVON 

Don’t let it go to your head. I’m your equerry, your aide, not your valet.

VILA 

Why him, I mean, why this sudden rush of modesty from you?

AVON 

He looks the part, spoiled young scion of an ancient line.

VILA 

Ah, know what you mean—effete, decadent, dim...

TARRANT 

Thank you. It’s good to know my true qualities have been recognised at last.

AVON 

According to Orac, the king of Hiltarno used to be little more than a space pirate, from a long line of them, just like our host, King Gheblakon. Tarrant is the right age to be the king of Hiltarno’s son. In any case, the servant is always in a far more privileged position than his master. Tarrant will be confined to the state apartments, I’ll be able to go anywhere. Get going, you two. I’ll contact you. If you go down that alleyway, you’ll be able to mingle with the tourists.

VILA 

What jolly fun. Come on, Soolin. [sniffs] Hey, did you forget to have a shower this morning, or have I trodden in something?

SOOLIN 

[as they leave] I’d rather not answer that question.

TARRANT 

[at the same time] So, which way is the palace?

AVON 

Up-wind of this lot if your royal cousin has any sense.

[Gheblakon’s palace]

FLANDAR 

Your majesty, his royal highness Prince Landros has arrived with his aide.

GHEBLAKON 

Thank you, Flandar, wheel ’em in.

FLANDAR 

Sir! [claps, and Tarrant and Avon enter]

GHEBLAKON 

Landros! My dear boy! [Tarrant laughs nervously] Come here and let me look at you!

TARRANT 

I bring greetings from my father, your majesty.

GHEBLAKON 

Ahh, how is the old boy?

TARRANT 

Very well, sir, though he does have a touch of arthritis in the rainy season. [laughs]

GHEBLAKON 

Arthritis? The ‘blue butcher’ with arthritis? [Tarrant laughs nervously] Ehh, those were the days, my boy. Your mother? How’s she?

TARRANT 

She’s well too. She asked to be remembered—

GHEBLAKON 

Oh, of course, she’s dead, isn’t she, it’s very sad... What did you say?

TARRANT 

My stepmother, sir, the queen, sends her greetings.

GHEBLAKON 

Ah yes, just so.

TARRANT 

May I introduce my aide, and very good friend, Major Dagstat?

AVON 

[clicks his heels] Your majesty.

GHEBLAKON 

Welcome to Torella, major. Ah, you met Captain Flandar? This calls for a party! I haven’t set eyes on this lad since he was puking up his mother’s milk, Flandar. [everyone laughs] You there! Wine for my guests, and be quick about it. [claps]

SERVANT 

At once, sire.

GHEBLAKON 

I had no idea old Bratfis had married again. Young, is she? Big boobs?

TARRANT 

Um, yes sir, that’s right.

GHEBLAKON 

[laughs] That’s my Bratfis. I remember once, we’d made a joint raid on a Federation leisure complex, eh? An’ all these, er, hostesses, uh, as they call them, er, a couple of dozen at least...and, and your father, heh heh...you’re not going to believe this... Ah! Wine! Ahaha!

TARRANT 

[chuckles with relief]

[Fairground]

BARKER 7 

Roll up, roll up! See the needle teeth of the giant slug from Spilthan tearing out the entrails of a Koplanikan jack-rabbit. Laugh as it squeals as it’s eaten alive, ha ha, come on.

VILA 

Coming?

SOOLIN 

In here?

VILA 

How much?

BARKER 7 

Fifteen trids. Each.

VILA 

I’ve only got Federation money.

BARKER 7 

Special rate for outworlders. Fifty credits.

MAN 

[to barker] Special rate’s right. Give him twenty, ya arm-twister.

VILA 

Forget it. Come on, Soolin.

BARKER 7 

[to man] Why don’t you keep your fraggin’ mouth shut...

SOOLIN 

Why did you want to go in there for, for heaven’s sake?

VILA 

I’m mingling, like the man said.

SOOLIN 

I’ve done enough mingling to make me nauseous to my boots.

VILA 

Yeah, me too. But we’ve got to get into the minds of these people. I mean, we could hardly walk up to one of those thugs in uniform and say, “Good morning, officer, could you tell us where your king keeps his crown? You see, we’ve come to nick it!”

SOOLIN 

Look, keep your voice down!

VILA 

Well, have you got a better suggestion to make?

SOOLIN 

Listen, listen! What's that? [shouting, a barking dog, cries of pain] And another of their charming little shows.

VILA 

That’s not show. That’s somebody in real trouble.

SOOLIN 

It’s coming from that big hall.

VILA 

Come on!

[they run over to the hall]

TORTURER 

[shouts, cries of pain] And that’s yer lot. [shouts of outrage] I hereby declare—

WOMAN 

Pull the fragger in 'alf!

TORTURER 

—the sentence has been duly carried out in accordance with the royal decree. Now go on, out you go, the show’s over.

SOOLIN 

Excuse me.

VILA 

Excuse me, uh, sorry.

MAN 

What’s your hurry? It’s all over.

SOOLIN 

What is?

MAN 

Oh, outworlders, eh? Most popular shows in town, these. Free, too. Well, sort of. The guards take a collection, unofficial like.

VILA 

He’s—he’s on a rack! A real old-fashioned medieval rack!

MAN 

Yeah, great in’t it? And they’ll leave him there for an hour or two so’s he can have a bit of a think about things.

CHILD 

Come on, dad!

MAN 

Oh, all right, all right. Hey, you enjoy that, my little candyfloss?

CHILD 

Not so good as that fingernail thing.

VILA 

Filthy lot.

SOOLIN 

Well, that‘s nothing to what the Federation gets up to.

VILA 

Yeah, but that’s modern. I mean, a rack!

SOOLIN 

Can you see what I see?

VILA 

What?

SOOLIN 

The badge on that poor guy’s shirt. It’s a coronet. Just like the one in that drawing you stole.

[Gheblakon’s palace]

AVON 

...and of course to see the famous coronet of Torella, the diadem of power. I told his highness that his education would not be complete until he’d seen it.

GHEBLAKON 

And so you shall. So... [he drinks] ...you heard about that, have you? Bratfis never forgave me for beating him to that one. Last bit of private enterprise before we signed the Federation treaty, that was. You know, the priestesses that kept the diadem in a temple on Devedec, the priestesses all jumped off the roof rather than join in the fun with the lads! Nyow, splat! Nyow, splat! Nyow, splat splat splat! Ha ha ha. [Tarrant laughs weakly] I’ll have them bring the thing up for you to look at. It’s nothing very special, mind you.

TARRANT 

But is it true what they say, sir? That you can read people’s minds when you’re wearing it?

GHEBLAKON 

And do all sorts of other tricks, that’s right. It’s not my style at all, but useful for trials and stuff like that of course, but well, suppose I was wearing the thing now, you wouldn’t be very happy knowing that I could see into your thoughts, now would you? “Why does the greedy old goat drink all the wine himself?” Eh?

TARRANT 

I assure you sir, nothing could be further—

GHEBLAKON 

You there!

SERVANT 1 

Your majesty?

GHEBLAKON 

Come here. Look at that jug.

SERVANT 1 

Yes, sire.

GHEBLAKON 

It’s empty, isn’t it?

SERVANT 1 

Yes—

GHEBLAKON 

And why is that?

SERVANT 1 

Because...er...

GHEBLAKON 

Because you’re a lazy son of a three-eyed swamp toad. Eh?

SERVANT 1 

Uh, yes, sire. Er, no, sire.

GHEBLAKON 

No, sire? No, sire? You dare to contradict your king? [he hits the servant who falls and moans] Now get some more and stop arguing about it. [realises the servant can’t] Oh. Hey!

SERVANT 2 

Majesty.

GHEBLAKON 

Lug this bag of guts out of here and bring us some more wine, eh?

SERVANT 2 

At once, sire.

GHEBLAKON 

And keep it coming.

AVON 

You believe in discipline, sir.

GHEBLAKON 

It’s the only way. [he drinks] There you are, you see. That’s why I keep the diadem locked up instead of wearing it. If I’d been able to read his thoughts, I’d have probably killed the little zit. Eh? If I haven’t killed him already. [he wheezes with laughter, the others join in politely]

[Fairground, in the hall of torture]

SOOLIN 

Wake up. Wake up, can you hear me?

VILA 

[keeping watch] Any luck?

SOOLIN 

Flat out, still. What about the guards?

VILA 

Swilling mugs of some sort of green beer. Smells like rotten cabbage. I think they’re onto a good thing with that collection.

WEMPIN 

Ah, ah.

SOOLIN 

Oh, he’s coming round.

WEMPIN 

No. No, no, ah. No...no, go away, go away, you mustn’t touch me!

SOOLIN 

What?

WEMPIN 

You mustn’t come near me. Agh! It’s against the law.

VILA 

But you’ll be free now, won’t you? You’ve had your punishment.

WEMPIN 

Yeah, but I, I’ll be in prison for the next five years.

SOOLIN 

What did you do, for heaven’s sake?

WEMPIN 

I let a friend of mine touch the diadem. I’m one of the wardens, you see.

SOOLIN 

Oh.

WEMPIN 

He got away with a beating,. Put him in hospital, but that’s it.

SOOLIN 

Right. We’re getting you out of here. Vila. You keep an eye open for the guards. Thank goodness for old-fashioned leather. If you were in chains—

WEMPIN 

No, no, please, please, they’ll shoot you and they’ll hang me.

VILA 

Do you think this is a good idea, Soolin?

SOOLIN 

Shut up and give me a hand with him. [they help him to stand] Can you walk?

WEMPIN 

Ah! Ah!

VILA 

He can hardly stand. We’ll never get away with this.

WEMPIN 

Well, it’s too late to stop now. If they catch us, we’re dead anyway. Look, take me out the back. We’ll go to Zandol’s house. That’s my friend. Oh! His wife will help us.

[Zandol’s house]

JELKA 

[opening the door] You must be mad to bring them here.

WEMPIN 

Well, where else could we go, Jelka? They’ll be watching my rooms.

JELKA 

And you think they won’t come here? I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to stay here. Even Zandol wouldn’t expect me to put my life in danger.

SOOLIN 

We only wanted to being—Wempin is it?

WEMPIN 

Yeah.

SOOLIN 

—bring him to somewhere safe.

JELKA 

Well, it’s not safe here.

WEMPIN 

But what am I to do? I’ve nowhere to hide, and no money to get away.

VILA 

Ah! So if you had some money, you could escape?

WEMPIN 

Well, of course.

VILA 

What would you say to ten thousand Federation credits? [Jelka gasps] You’ve got something we’d like to buy.

JELKA 

But...what could either of us have that would be worth ten thousand credits? Why, that’s over fourteen thousand trids.

WEMPIN 

Nearer fifteen.

JELKA 

Ooh.

WEMPIN 

Well, what is it you want?

SOOLIN 

Information.

[Gheblakon’s palace]

GHEBLAKON 

Ahh. But you see, my boy, that’s where your father went wrong. Shutting himself up on that piddling little planet. Saving your prison. Eh? Living on Federation handouts? Banning outworlders? Fighting off rebellion? No wonder he’s sent you to spy on me. [he laughs]

TARRANT 

No! No, that’s not why I came at all.

AVON 

It’s a social visit, sir. We’re...we’re tourists, like so many of your other visitors.

GHEBLAKON 

Well, that’s just it. Come here, I want to show you something. [gets up] Come out onto the balcony. Don’t mind my little joke. You tell my old friend exactly how it is—that I’m still rich and he’s not. There you are!

TARRANT 

Gallows!

AVON 

I shouldn’t think they’ve been used anywhere in the galaxy since the days of the first empire.

GHEBLAKON 

Well, we’re proud of our heritage on Torella. Nothing like a good old-time public hanging to bring in the tourists. And my people tread very carefully, I can tell you. There’s no rebels ’ere. [he laughs]

AVON 

Congratulations, sir. You seem to have solved all your problems very simply.

GHEBLAKON 

Well, I dress up in me royal togs—hey? And the people get to see me wearing the diadem of power. Oh, it’s an occasion. I hang somebody every ten days or so.

TARRANT 

But—if there’s nobody to hang, sir?

GHEBLAKON 

What?

TARRANT 

Nobody guilty of anything, I mean.

GHEBLAKON 

Oh, anything will do. Pick-pocketing for instance. It’s one of our oldest traditions. Well, if you’re ham-fisted enough to get caught in the act, well, it could be an hour in the stocks or a starring role in the next public show. That’s the fun of it! That’s what keeps the people on their toes!

FLANDAR 

Excuse me, your majesty.

GHEBLAKON 

What? What is it, Flandar? Can’t you see I’m entertaining my guests?

FLANDAR 

A Federation ship has landed, sir, I thought you’d want to know.

GHEBLAKON 

Using your nous for a change, eh? Who is it?

FLANDAR 

A Commissioner Sleer, sir.

GHEBLAKON 

Never ’eard of ’im.

FLANDAR 

May I suggest a full state banquet tonight, sir?

GHEBLAKON 

[sighs] I suppose so.

FLANDAR 

Very good, I shall warn the chamberlain.

GHEBLAKON 

Oh, and you’d better get me a list of all recent criminal offenders. Must give the fellow a good show.

FLANDAR 

Yes, sir. A very good idea, sir. [he leaves]

GHEBLAKON 

Ah, Flandar, keeps me up to the mark, y’see. Another tip for your father, hey? How to deal with the Federation—grovel, grovel, grovel. [they all laugh] Give ’em a good time. The full Torella experience, as they say. Make sure they’ve got plenty of wine and clean women. Send ’em away with a pocket full of trids, and they’ll leave you alone to get on with it, ha. Now off you go, my boy. I’ll see you later. And I’ll be wearing this bauble that you’re so eager to see. Eh?

TARRANT 

Ah.

[Palace guest quarters]

FLANDAR 

Your security badges should be worn at all times, sir. We have had some unfortunate incidents, attempted assassinations and so on.

AVON 

I’ll make that my responsibility.

FLANDAR 

Thank you, Major Dagstat. A valet will be along shortly, sir, but if there’s anything else?

AVON 

Thank you, no.

FLANDAR 

Your highness. [he clicks his heels twice and leaves]

TARRANT 

And if the valet wants to unpack our things?

AVON  

I’m sure the space port baggage handlers could have managed to lose even a prince’s luggage if they tried hard enough. That’s a luxury worry to say the least. We were so close.

TARRANT 

We’ll just have to keep out of Servalan’s way, and try to intercept the diadem as they take it to the king.

AVON 

Mm. And we don’t even know where they keep the wretched thing.

[Avon’s bracelet chimes]

SOOLIN 

[over bracelet comms] Do you copy? Do you copy?

AVON 

I copy. What’s wrong?

SOOLIN 

Nothing wrong. Quite the contrary. We’ve got a chance of acquiring the goods.

AVON 

Ah. Where can we meet?

SOOLIN 

By the east gate into the palace grounds, where they let the tourists through. Out.

AVON 

You stay here. But keep out of sight.

TARRANT 

What?

AVON 

Try to find out more about the setup from this valet fellow when he arrives. There might be a chance when Servalan’s getting dolled up for the banquet.

TARRANT 

Yes, but if Soolin and Vila have found a way—

AVON 

We’ve got to keep our options open.

[The east gate to the palace]

VILA 

Avon! Over here!

SOOLIN 

Vila!

AVON 

Couldn’t you have managed to shout my name a bit louder?

VILA 

Sorry, Major, um...what was it, er, Flagstaff?

SOOLIN 

Dagstat.

VILA 

Yeah, that. Just you wait till you’ve heard our news.

AVON 

Not here.

[Somewhere more private]

SOOLIN 

He told us that the diadem is kept in a glass case in a special strong room at the palace. And during—

VILA 

[cutting in over her] And the public’s allowed in in batches of nine.

SOOLIN 

[sighs] There’s only one warden inside the room itself, and he’s the—ooh, Vila!

VILA 

[cutting in over her] And here’s the cherry on the fruit salad. The lock on the cabinet is an ordinary old-fashioned mechanical mortise! Anybody could crack it in a couple of minutes! Given a genius like me, it’ll take thirty seconds flat. With a following wind, twenty.

AVON 

And you’d time it to coincide with Scorpio’s first rendezvous tonight.

VILA 

So that Dayna can teleport said genius up, clutching the aforesaid diadem of power in his lilywhite paw.

SOOLIN 

And in the meantime, we’re creating some sort of diversion. And that’s it.

AVON 

It could just work. And the sooner the better. Servalan’s arrived.

SOOLIN 

What?

VILA 

[simultaneously] What?