Transcript of ‘The Syndeton Experiment’

Kerr Avon 

Paul Darrow

Vila Restal 

Michael Keating

Del Tarrant 

Steven Pacey

Dayna Mellanby 

Angela Bruce

Soolin 

Paula Wilcox

Orac and Slave 

Peter Tuddenham

Servalan 

Jacqueline Pearce

Captain Vledka 

Graham Padden

Madame Gaskia 

Judy Cornwell

Doctor Rossum 

Peter Jeffrey

Others 

Played by members of the cast:

Klissak 

Federation sergeant 

Spinder 

Commander Modnitz 

Tour guide

Roddil 

Robots 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[A restaurant in Blag City; quiet conversation and the clatter of cutlery can be heard in the background]

AVON 

I’ll kill him. I’ll kill the little swine

TARRANT 

How long have we got?

AVON 

If we haven’t made the hyper-jump within... [he looks at his watch] ...within 97 minutes, we’ll have missed the coordinates, and the journey time will be nearly doubled, and I doubt if the syndeton would last that long.

TARRANT 

He’ll be here. Vila’s no fool.

AVON 

No?

TARRANT 

Well, not when his survival’s at stake.

AVON 

And when he’s got a belly-full of boo-juice?

TARRANT 

Maybe he’s gone straight back to the ship.

AVON 

By himself? Through the shanties? He wouldn’t last ten minutes. I should never have agreed to split up, Tarrant. I tell you, I’m just about at the end of my patience.

TARRANT 

These stores trips are always dicey. I’ve never known you to be so jumpy.

AVON 

I know this place. I’ve known it since I was kicked out of the Academy. If he isn’t here in five minutes, I shall go without him.

[Scorpio cargo hold]

SOOLIN 

Oof! Dayna! Come and give us a hand with these carbohydrate blocks, they weigh a ton!

SLAVE 

Forgive me for contradicting you, madam. Each block weighs precisely 116.225 kilos.

SOOLIN 

Thank you, Slave, a very useful piece of information.

SLAVE 

I was merely intending to point out that they should be stored on the right side of the end bunker. We are in danger of losing our trim.

[there is a crashing sound as Soolin drops a block into place]

DAYNA 

Aren’t they back yet? I’m beginning to get worried.

[more crashes and grunts]

DAYNA 

Whew! You weren’t kidding!

SOOLIN 

At least we’re safe from the Feds here.

DAYNA 

Yeah.

SLAVE 

Dreadfully sorry, madam, but that is not so. I have been picking up transmissions from Federation security patrols. They are searching the bars for cratch dealers.

SOOLIN 

What? We must warn them. Slave, open a link.

[The restaurant]

AVON 

That’s it. I’m going.

TARRANT 

Without Vila?

AVON 

And I hope he enjoys a long and happy retirement in Blag City. We’re well rid of him.

[Avon’s bracelet chimes]

SOOLIN 

[over bracelet comms] Come in Avon, come in Avon, over.

AVON 

What is it, Soolin?

SOOLIN 

You’d better get your rollers on. The Feds are in town, Servalan’s lot. Out.

[she cuts comms]

AVON 

Oh, no. Now we’ve got to find him. If he lets on where we’re heading, it’s goodbye to the syndeton and goodbye to the stardrive.

TARRANT 

No, you were right the first time. Let him stew in his own juice, we’ve got to get out of here.

AVON 

Nothing would give me more pleasure, but once the Feds start their little games, he’ll crack like a soft-boiled egg.

[A bar in Blag City]

VILA 

[drunkenly] Syndexia! That’s where we’re going! Whoops! I was supposed to keep that a se...secret.

KLISSAK 

[laughs] Here, go on. Have a line. This’s Daddy Lloyd’s pink, this! [he slaps a packet down on the bar] S’only hundred credits a hit.

VILA 

No, thanks. Brings me out in pimples, cratch does.

KLISSAK 

Mm-hmm.

VILA 

I’ll have another little drink, though.

KLISSAK 

[drawn-out] Yeah....

VILA 

Secret...yeah. You won’t tell anybody, will you?

KLISSAK 

You’ve got half a bottle left. [he laughs] Eh? Well, what about?

VILA 

What about what?

KLISSAK 

[laughs]

[In the city streets]

AVON 

It’s going to take us half the night at this rate, he could be anywhere. This is madness. How I ever came to be saddled with—

TARRANT 

Get back!

AVON 

What is it?

TARRANT 

I thought I saw...yes, look. Piling out of that transport.

AVON 

Feds.

[The bar]

VILA 

...and Avon said to me...

KLISSAK 

Yeah?

VILA 

‘Vila, old son,’ he said, ‘Vila, you’re abso...lutely...lutely right...’

KLISSAK 

[chuckles]

VILA 

‘...as you usually are!’

SERGEANT 

[through megaphone] Everyone!

VILA 

[putting his bottle down] Ooh!

SERGEANT 

Stay where you are!

VILA 

Oh, right. Oh, yeah.

[someone disobeys and is machine-gunned down, crying out in pain]

SERGEANT 

Quiet! [they obey; music can be heard] Turn off that noise! [there is silence] Have your IDs ready, and do as you’re told, and no one else’ll get hurt.

[Outside]

TARRANT 

Is he there? Can you see him?

AVON 

No, I...yes! Yes, he’s right in the middle of it. What clip have you got in your gun?

TARRANT 

Ah...plasma bullets. Semiautomatic.

AVON 

Give it to me. Take mine, it’s on maximum stun.

TARRANT 

Right.

AVON 

Grab us a slider-cab, but don’t kill the driver unless you have to. We’re in enough trouble.

TARRANT 

You’re going in?

AVON 

What choice have I got?

[The bar]

KLISSAK 

Oh God, what am I gonna to do? It’s the cratch they’re after.

VILA 

Oh, lighten up, make a joke of it. They love a little joke, these lads.

SPINDER 

ID?

KLISSAK 

Oh, yeah, yeah. [he complies] Sure, here.

SPINDER  

Hmm. Klissak?

KLISSAK 

Yeah, that’s right, Ulaf Klissak, yeah. It’s all there. [he sniffs]

SPINDER 

Hmm. Right, stand up. Hands above your head. [she pats him down] What have we here? One...two... [she extracts bags of cratch from him and puts them on the bar] Sergeant!

KLISSAK 

Look, it’s—it’s all for my own use, it’s...well, it’s medicinal like, you know, I get headaches.

SPINDER 

How’d you think you were going to get away with it? I could smell you a mile away.

VILA 

D’you know, that’s just what I thought when you and your pals came in.

SERGEANT 

There’s always a comic. Stand up!

[Vila does]

SERGEANT 

’Ere, I know you, don’t I?

VILA 

Who’s a lucky boy, then?

SERGEANT 

Oh, got it! Spinder, you haven’t been doing your homework. This face is slapped on the wall in every station ’ouse in the Federation. So? Where are your friends then?

AVON 

Over here, sergeant. No! Don’t try— [he shoots; the sergeant cries out] The next burst takes the sergeant’s head off. Vila. Over here. Move it. Move it!

VILA 

Oh, yeah, sure.

[Scorpio]

AVON 

[entering] Slave, report.

SLAVE 

No sign of pursuit, master. Twelve minutes to position H.

TARRANT 

We’ve lost them.

AVON 

No thanks to Vila.

SOOLIN 

How is he?

DAYNA 

He’s passed out.

AVON 

For good, I hope. This can’t go on.

DAYNA 

It’s the longest he’s stayed on the wagon yet.

AVON 

I’m not talking about that drunken cretin, he’s beyond hope, or we’re all as bad. It’s the life we live—chase and be chased. Well, that’s it. I’ve had enough.

DAYNA 

What?

SOOLIN 

Avon, are you all right?

AVON 

I’m very far from all right. I mean what I say. This has got to stop.

TARRANT 

Well, what are you saying? Are you suggesting that we go back to Xenon and settle down?

DAYNA 

I know what he means. Anything must be better than the last couple of hours.

SOOLIN 

Well, I’m not quite ready for my shawl and rocking chair yet, thank you very much.

DAYNA 

We have been running a very long time.

TARRANT 

Yeah, and when the Federation boys arrive?

DAYNA 

We could hole up somewhere.

TARRANT 

So Servalan has won. You’re ready to let her take over the—

AVON 

[over him] That’s not what I’m saying at all, I’m saying that we keep playing the game to her rules. We need to fight back, really fight. But on equal terms.

SOOLIN 

So, what are you suggesting?

AVON 

We need a power base. We should be able to negotiate with the Federation from a position of strength, instead of scuttling away, whimpering like a bunch of mutant mongrels from the backstreet gutters of Balaksom.

TARRANT 

Mm, you always had a pretty turn of phrase, Avon. You know what my old nana used to say? ‘Fine words butter no parsnips.’

DAYNA 

Parsnips? What’s a parsnip?

SOOLIN 

Oh, come on, Avon, Tarrant’s right. If you’ve got something to say, say it.

AVON 

Why is it that Syndexia has become so important in the last few years? And how has Madame Gaskia become one of the most powerful women in the Federation?

TARRANT 

Since syndeton ran out everywhere else, they have the monopoly.

AVON 

Precisely.

DAYNA 

Madame Gaskia? Who’s Madame Gaskia?

SOOLIN 

She’s the ruler of Syndexia, she’s an absolute dictator.

AVON 

Not for much longer. She’s in for a little surprise. It’s our turn now. We need something to bargain with. And I know just what that something is going to be. Syndeton.

[Servalan’s quarters]

COMPUTER 

[in a synthesised voice] It must be assumed that Doctor Rossum and his team vanished in the—

[door bell]

SERVALAN 

Who is it? [the door opens] Ah, Captain Vledka. You’re just in time.

VLEDKA 

[clicks his heels] Commissioner?

SERVALAN 

First things first. A drink.

VLEDKA 

But madam, I’m on duty.

SERVALAN 

I insist. A royal command...in a manner of speaking.

VLEDKA 

You’re very kind. A small whisky perhaps?

SERVALAN 

Nonsense. You shall have one of my specials, a plitka martini. Very dry and very strong. [she start to make it] So. Have we persuaded this um—Klissak, was it?—to reveal any more?

VLEDKA 

I’m afraid not. Although the interrogation was very thorough. Syndexia. They were going to Syndexia. That’s all the fugitive Vila told him.

SERVALAN 

But Klissak told us that hours ago. Nothing else at all?

VLEDKA 

Regrettably, no.

SERVALAN 

Mm. You’d better bring him in. I’ll question him myself.

VLEDKA 

[reluctantly] I’m afraid that won’t be possible. They let him die under interrogation.

SERVALAN 

How very careless of them. Have you checked the intelligence reports we hold on Syndexia?

VLEDKA 

Er, no, I’m afraid I haven’t.

SERVALAN 

Well, I have, and very interesting they turn out to be. There. Try that.

[she gives him the martini]

VLEDKA 

Your very good health, madam.

SERVALAN 

Here’s to our better—no—our closer acquaintance.

VLEDKA 

Ah. [they clink glasses, Vledka drinks, and gasps]

SERVALAN 

Well?

VLEDKA 

[still gasping for breath] Remarkable!

SERVALAN 

I reserve it for special occasions. [Vledka continues to gasp] Now, come and sit at the table, and we can have our dinner while I tell you what I have found out, and what we are going to do about it.

VLEDKA 

But commissioner, it’s against regulations—

SERVALAN 

Now, you’re not going to be tedious about duty and protocol and all the rest of that stuffy nonsense, are you. [she sets out plates] You remember Lieutenant Gotha?

VLEDKA 

I—ah, I think so. A big blond fellow with the Aldebaran accent? I haven’t seen him around lately.

SERVALAN 

No. And he had such a promising career. Poor boy.

VLEDKA 

Ah. I was merely going to suggest that we shouldn’t lose a moment if we’re going to get to Syndexia first.

SERVALAN 

Ah, I see. No no no, there’s no worry there. At time distort 18, we can get there nearly twice as fast as that old tub of Avon’s. Now, come and sit down, [Vledka does] and eat your dinner like a good boy. [Vledka laughs briefly] I’d guarantee you’ve never tasted this before. It’s smoked coelacanth.

VLEDKA 

Ah!

SERVALAN 

I’m glad you’ve changed your mind. One gets so, um...so lonely.

[Scorpio]

DAYNA 

They’re all three asleep now. God, how I loathe hyper-travel. How much longer?

SOOLIN 

How long is a piece of string? Answer: compared with what? Well, there’s nothing to measure distance against, or speed. It’ll take as long as it seems to take.

DAYNA 

Oh, thank you, Professor Soolin. That’s sorted that out.

SOOLIN 

Well, it’s like the way syndeton is used up. You couldn’t call it fuel, but it...it just seems to burn away when we’re in hyper-drive.

DAYNA 

How does it work, this syndeton?

SOOLIN 

Don’t ask me, I only work here.

DAYNA 

Perhaps I should try asking Orac.

SOOLIN 

Oooh, you could regret that! [she laughs]

DAYNA 

[inserting Orac’s key] Orac! Please tell me how syndeton works.

ORAC 

A meaningless question. Syndeton is neither a sentient being, nor a mechanical artefact. It is an elemental isotope, atomic weight 279—

SOOLIN 

[laughs] You’ll have to be more specific. Please, dear Orac, explain to us the function of syndeton when used in hyperspace travel.

ORAC 

Ah, now I understand. Syndeton is one of the rare group of elements which exists simultaneously in the space-time continuum of our universe and in the void of hyperspace, which has been described, in an unfortunately jocular manner, as the nothing that did not exist in the no-time before the so-called big bang.

DAYNA 

That doesn’t make sense.

ORAC 

Quite right. When activated by an electromagnetic oscillation of appropriate frequency and amplitude, syndeton will provide a bridge between normal space and hyperspace. You would be better able to grasp the concept if I run through the mathematics. You are familiar with Boolean algebra, I’m sure?

DAYNA 

No no, please don’t bother!

ORAC 

It is no bother, I assure you. Now, using an elementary application of propositional—

[Dayna removes Orac’s key]

SOOLIN 

I warned you!

DAYNA 

Well, I think I got the point. Syndeton is a bridge.

[Servalan’s quarters; she and Vledka are eating]

SERVALAN 

Yes, a bridge. And a bridge which is going to carry me to heights of power undreamed of. If it has given our good friend Madame Gaskia a world, it shall give me a galaxy. This time, thanks to Avon and his motley crew, I shall be invulnerable.

VLEDKA 

This time?

SERVALAN 

Help yourself to wine.

VLEDKA 

Oh, thank you. [he fills a glass]

SERVALAN 

You see, Doctor Rossum discovered—

VLEDKA 

Doctor Rossum? Who’s Doctor Rossum?

SERVALAN 

Ah. Doctor Rossum is the key to everything. He ran the syndeton research centre on Syndexia, you see. And he found that syndeton can also be a bridge between two brains, between two minds.

VLEDKA 

Like telepathy?

SERVALAN 

Oh, far more than that, If a single molecule of syndeton in the centre of a nanochip were to be implanted in your brain, tuned to the frequency structure of my brain—the fingerprint, the neurologists call it—you would be completely in my power. You’d hear my thoughts—when I wanted you to—and you’d obey my every wish. Now, wouldn’t that be fun? Mousse or fruit salad?

VLEDKA 

Ah, mousse, I think.

SERVALAN 

An excellent choice. I’ll join you.

VLEDKA 

[after drinking] And that’s how Madame Gaskia became the leader?

SERVALAN 

Once she had a dozen of the local...

[Scorpio]

VILA 

[belches loudly]

AVON 

Do you mind, Vila?

VILA 

[sounding unwell] Beg pardon, I’m sure.

TARRANT 

Wouldn’t you be better off in bed? You look dreadful.

VILA 

You should see what I look like from the inside.

AVON 

If we’re going to have a council of war, we need him here, more’s the pity.

VILA 

Yeah, well, I’ve said I’m sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. What more can I do?

AVON 

For a start, you could go and sit at the back. The fumes are overpowering.

VILA 

Pardon me for living. [he gets up]

SOOLIN 

Ooh, thanks, Vila!

TARRANT 

So. There’s this woman, Madame Gaskia. She became the leader by the slaughter of everyone who stood in her way. Is that right?

AVON 

Quite right. Though how she managed to persuade her followers to carry out the massacre, I have no idea. The promise of power, I suppose. It usually works.

TARRANT 

And no doubt by now she’ll have an elite guard of kamikaze warriors who’ll obey her slightest whim and defend her to the death. So, let me get this straight, Avon: you’re suggesting that the five of us should invade and take her planet away from her. Is that the rough idea?

AVON 

So you have been listening. You’re absolutely right. That’s the plan, with one small amendment: it’s not an invasion, it’s a takeover, a coup. If we control Gaskia, we control the planet.

VILA 

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

DAYNA 

We’d never get near her.

SOOLIN 

Dayna’s right. It’s a ludicrous idea. How are you proposing that we do get to her?

AVON 

Easy. Once she hears my name, she’ll dig out the red carpet. When she was much younger, she ran a nightclub in Blag City—the Purple Nightingale.

THE WOMEN 

Oh?

AVON 

I knew her well...very well.

TARRANT 

Ah, so we add to the game plan the betrayal of an old friend. Hmm, that figures.

[Servalan’s quarters]

VLEDKA 

[sounding slightly drunk] ...and the shuttle is to stand by for Commissioner Sleer from first light. Tell Commander Modnitz to have both ships on full alert to leave for Syndexia as soon as possible after we join him.

TROOPER 

[over comms] Very good, sir.

SERVALAN 

First light? I’ve no intention of getting up so early? Have you?

VLEDKA 

It’ll do them good.

SERVALAN 

Which ship is coming with us?

VLEDKA 

Titan. If you remember, she was modified to carry extra troops.

SERVALAN 

Ahh. I feel so safe in your hands. Now switch that thing off. We don’t want to be interrupted, do we?

[Vledka turns off the comms]

SERVALAN 

And turn off the light.

[Vledka turns off the light]

SERVALAN 

[enjoying herself and Vledka, who reciprocates] Mmm. Mmmmm. Mmmm.

[Scorpio]

AVON 

Tarrant, if you have a better idea, let’s hear it.

SOOLIN 

No, Avon, Tarrant’s right, it’s full of holes. For example, the first thing that we have to do is to get hold of some syndeton. Without that, we’ve no hope of escape if things go wrong.

AVON 

This isn’t going to be one of your petty heists. We’ve enough credits left from the Perelman job to buy what we need legitimately.

DAYNA 

Leaving us with nothing.

AVON 

You want to save up for your old age?

DAYNA 

No, but—

SOOLIN 

[at the same time] And if they recognise us?

AVON 

This isn’t Federation territory. And we’ll keep Vila locked up.

VILA 

[from the back] I heard that!

AVON 

Happy?

SOOLIN 

[quietly] Yes, all right.

AVON 

And if you’re still worried about the stain on my honour, Tarrant, I should point out that you don’t know the whole story.

TARRANT 

[sarcastically] Oh, do tell us!

AVON 

In a fit of pique, Gaskia betrayed me to the FedSec boys. There was quite a price on my head, even in those days. I only just escaped with my life. But she doesn’t know that I know that.

VILA 

How do you know that she doesn’t know that you know?

AVON 

What?

VILA 

And how do you know that she doesn’t know that you know that she doesn’t know?

AVON 

You’re feeling better, I take it?

[Gaskia’s palace]

GASKIA 

But this is outrageous! The negotiations were finalised. Why is delivery to be held up? I need those acid cannon, and I need them, like yesterday.

SERVALAN 

Madame Gaskia. Your Excellency. [Gaskia exclaims in disgust] You misunderstand me. There is no reason to suppose any such thing. I merely point out that in my capacity as head of the security commission for this sector, I have the power to recommend a delay should my inspection prove unsatisfactory.

GASKIA 

It’s a matter of the utmost urgency. It was all my people could do to contain the midwinter riot!

SERVALAN 

Precisely my point. If there is so much unrest amongst the miners, might it not be more helpful to you for us to send in the Federation troops?

GASKIA 

Oh, haw haw haw, over my dead body. After seventeen years? I run this planet, not the Federation. [she catches her breath] Now, look. We got off on the wrong foot. There’s no reason why we can’t come to some arrangement.

SERVALAN 

Oh, I quite agree.

[Scorpio]

AVON 

But no guns. Peaceful travellers, traders, whatever, that’s what we are, until the moment—

SLAVE 

Ten seconds to hyper-jump. Ten...nine...eight...

[he continues to count during the following]

VILA 

Here we go again. And I didn’t have any breakfast.

TARRANT 

Shut up, Vila.

AVON 

Stand by, Orac.

SLAVE 

...three...two...one...zero.

[Scorpio leaves hyperspace]

VILA 

[moans with nausea]

TARRANT 

[disgusted] Oh, God.

VILA 

[moans or retches again]

AVON 

Orac, report.

ORAC 

There is no Federation computer operating in the vicinity from which I deduce that it is probable that there is no security guard-ship operating here.

TARRANT 

We must be grateful for small mercies, I s’pose.

ORAC 

Unless of course they are keeping total electronic silence, which must always be considered—

AVON 

Thank you, Orac.

SLAVE 

Forgive me for interrupting you, master, but there is a planetary defence orbiter in visual contact.

AVON 

Show me.

ORBITER 

[over comms] Wanderer class hopper, identify.

AVON 

Space freighter Pompey. Registered number PJX double-five seven double-five two. Visiting to purchase. Request personnel shuttle service.

ORBITER 

Very good. Have your ship’s papers standing by, and be prepared to demonstrate your capacity to fund your purchase. [she closes comms]

AVON 

Now remember, Dayna, you and Soolin keep radio silence until you’re safely back with the syndeton. Then stand by to join Tarrant and me as soon as I give the word.

DAYNA 

Right.

AVON 

Tarrant, don’t forget—

TARRANT 

Avon, this isn’t the first job I’ve done.

VILA 

And what about me?

AVON 

You stay on board. Just try to keep awake. And sober.

[Gaskia’s palace]

GASKIA 

Well, I’ll be. How do you know about that?

SERVALAN 

It’s my business to know such things. Doctor Rossum’s nanochip must be one of the most important developments in the history of personnel control.

GASKIA 

You’re full of bull, you lot. Personnel control? Power! That’s what it gives you. And if you think I’m going to pass it on to you, the way they’re made... [she laughs]

SERVALAN 

[laughing] No, no, no, you mistake me. I know quite well that you would never consider letting me have the secret.

GASKIA 

And you’re quite right.

SERVALAN 

Unless I gave you a very good reason to.

GASKIA 

Well?

SERVALAN 

You like power. Do as I say, and we can share more power than the empress herself ever had.

GASKIA 

I’m listening.

SERVALAN 

I know everything. I know all about Doctor Rossum and his gestalt experiments. I know about Kapeka. What would you say if I told you that I have a way to retrieve his knowledge. If it still exists.

GASKIA 

Any fool who tried to land on Kapeka would die, and die a horrible death.

SERVALAN 

But that fool doesn’t have to be you or me. Now, does it?

[Elsewhere in Gaskia’s palace]

GUIDE 

Now if you’ll all gather round, this is known as the golden drawing-room. [tourists exclaim in pleasure] On account of the golden leaves surrounding the window bay being, um, golden, as you might say, and—

WOMAN 

What’s through there?

GUIDE 

Uh, through that door, madam, is the private apartments of her excellency, which is why, no doubt, the powers that be have in their wisdom placed on it a notice inscribed ‘Private Apartments’. Over here, you’ll see the glorious...

TARRANT 

[at the same time] How much longer? They’ve had time to stock up the whole Federation Fleet.

AVON 

Easy now, easy.

TARRANT 

I’d swear that guide has got his eye on us.

AVON 

Just try to look as if it were the fulfilment of a lifetime’s ambition to come and gawk at the palace furniture like the rest of these idiots.

[Avon’s bracelet chimes]

DAYNA 

[over comms] Come in, Avon.

AVON 

Tarrant. In here.

[they enter a side room]

DAYNA 

Avon, can you hear me?

AVON 

I hear you.

DAYNA 

Purchase completed. I say again, purchase completed. We’re back on board.

AVON 

Good. Stand by. Out. [he closes comms]

TARRANT 

[by the door] Shh! [the guide moves away with the group of tourists] He’s gone.

AVON 

And now for her excellency.

TARRANT 

This is too easy.

AVON 

All clear. Come on.

TARRANT 

All right.

[Gaskia’s apartments]

TARRANT 

...anyway, what makes you think she’ll want to be reminded of those days.

AVON 

Keep your voice down.

RODDIL 

Hey! You! Can’t you read?

TARRANT 

I said it was too easy.

RODDIL 

When it says ‘private’, you know, it’s not an invite to come in and sniff round the president’s intimate purlieu.

AVON 

I wish to see Madame Gaskia.

RODDIL 

Oh, yes? And what makes you think her excellency would want to see the likes of you? ’Op it, the pair of yer.

TARRANT 

Come on, let’s get out while we still can.

AVON 

Please be so good as to let her know that—

GASKIA 

[entering] Is there anything wrong, Roddil?

RODDIL 

Nothing I can’t handle, madam. Now, then—

AVON 

Gaskia! Don’t you recognise me?

RODDIL 

That does it! Out!

AVON 

Remember the Purple Nightingale?

GASKIA 

What did you say? My dear boy! After all these years!

AVON 

Well, Gaskia?

GASKIA 

Avon. Give the old girl a kiss, then.

[Avon gives her a brief peck]

GASKIA 

Call that a kiss? Come here.

[she kisses him thoroughly and noisily under audible protest]

GASKIA 

Let me look at you. [Avon is still recovering from her assault] Haw haw haw haw haw, you don’t look any different. Are you still the cheeky little sod you used to be?

AVON 

[laughs] You certainly haven’t changed.

GASKIA 

Hah! Twice the woman I was. Haw haw, tell you what, this calls for a drink. Oh, I can’t run to a pint of Blag City boo-juice, but we don’t do a bad bottle of bubbly on Syndexia. [she calls out] Double-quick, there!

RODDIL 

At once, excellency.

GASKIA 

And who’s this pretty lad, then?

AVON 

All clear?

TARRANT 

All clear.

GASKIA 

What’s that?

AVON 

Tarrant. Come and meet my old friend.

TARRANT 

Yes, of course.

GASKIA 

Tarrant. Delightful. Give me your hand. Aye! [she laughs] Strong! But sensitive. [Tarrant laughs politely] Ooh! You’re quite a dish, you. But then, you know—

TARRANT 

[grabs her; she squawks] Go ahead, scream. This pretty lad will quite enjoy cutting your throat. It’s quite a while since I killed anybody.

GASKIA 

[half strangled] What do you want?

AVON 

Syndexia. Call it a coup, call yourself a hostage, whatever you like. If you want to live, you’ll do as I say.

[Gaskia struggles]

TARRANT 

Oh, no you don’t. Oh dear, oh dear, is that blood?

AVON 

How long is it since you sold me to the Feds? Eighteen years, nineteen? Well, now it’s my turn.

[the door opens]

SERVALAN 

I think not.

[a door on the other side of the room opens]

GUIDE 

Hands above your head! You! Drop that knife.

[Tarrant sighs and does so]

AVON 

Well, well. How did you know?

SERVALAN 

You really should persuade your chatty friend Vila to stay away from the boo-juice. You’ve been followed ever since you landed.

GASKIA 

You never could be trusted. [she slaps Avon]

AVON 

And does that make you feel better?

GASKIA 

A lot. And as for you, my fine gentleman, I’ll show—

AVON 

[opening comms] Dayna, take us up, quick!

TARRANT 

No!

[Scorpio; Avon teleports on board]

AVON 

Slave, stand by for full thrust. Take us clear for hyper-jump at time distort ten. Coordinates for base.

SLAVE 

Very good, master.

DAYNA 

What happened?

AVON 

Servalan was waiting for us. Come on, everybody move.

SOOLIN 

So, who’s doing the chasing now?

DAYNA 

Wait, Tarrant hasn’t come up.

AVON 

What?

VILA 

And a big hand to our friendly neighbourhood teleport. Here we go again.

SLAVE 

No sign of malfunction this time, master.

AVON 

Try it again.

SLAVE 

Yes, master. [he does]

AVON 

There must be something wrong.

SLAVE 

Negative, master. All parameters normal.

SOOLIN 

[at the same time] No, look! Here’s his teleport bracelet. He forgot to wear it.

DAYNA 

Because we were all going to the surface by the personnel shuttle.

AVON 

I’m surrounded by cretins. Right, Vila. You’ll take us down and stand by to bring us all back up as soon as I give the word.

VILA 

But you’ll never be able to do anything now...

AVON 

[over him] Just do it! Soolin, you’ll give the bracelet to him, Dayna and I will cover you. Right, go, Vila, go!

[Gaskia’s palace]

SERVALAN 

Are you sure? He looks dead to me.

GASKIA 

No, no, no. The injector has that effect, he’s just out cold. [she slaps Tarrant] Wake up. We’ve not finished yet.

[Avon, Dayna, and Soolin teleport in]

AVON 

Stand away from him!

SERVALAN 

[opening comms] Vledka. In here, quick.

DAYNA 

You heard him, stand back!

SOOLIN 

Come on, Tarrant, time to go home.

AVON 

All right, Vila. Bye-bye, Gaskia. It was fun while it lasted.

[they teleport out]

VLEDKA 

[entering] What is it, madam?

SERVALAN 

Too late. Mm. All very satisfactory.

GASKIA 

Just finish off Avon. That’s all I ask. As painfully as possible.

SERVALAN 

Isn’t it remarkable how we see eye-to-eye in so many matters. What a pity our collaboration is at an end.

GASKIA 

Whaddaya mean? You said we’d share a...

SERVALAN 

I’m afraid the galaxy isn’t big enough for the two of us, my dear. Vledka? [Vledka clicks his heels] Have my instructions been carried out?

VLEDKA 

Yes, commissioner. A text-book operation. The commander and his men are now in complete control.

GASKIA 

What?

SERVALAN 

How many dead?

VLEDKA 

Only three, madam. Apart of course from the list that you gave us. That has been fully—

GASKIA 

You’ll never get away with this!

SERVALAN 

Take her away. I’ve got work to do.

VLEDKA 

Come along, madam.

GASKIA 

Take your hands off me. I’ll see you in hell for this, you two-faced bitch.

[Servalan laughs as Gaskia is taken out]