My response to a Lysator B7 mailing list Christmas challenge where you have three and only three wishes to give out among the crew: To whom would you give the wishes, and what would they be?
When the Christmas fairy shimmered into being on Scorpio's flight deck, Avon's first thought was that the Federation had developed a teleport. His second was that Servalan had outdone herself in pink gauze with iridescent translucent wings. His third was that Vila had slipped something hallucinogenic into Dorian's wine.
"Oh, dear," said the Christmas fairy, "five of you. I've only got three wishes." Four faces looked highly suspicious, but Vila leapt forward eagerly.
"I wish I lived on a nice safe planet by the sea and had lots of kids," he said rapidly, not really expecting anything to happen.
In a flash he was on Kaarn, reeling from the noise of 5000 Auron babies, about half of them crying, and the assault of 5000 chaotic baby thoughts. Dr Franton and Patar looked frazzled. "Vila!" cried Dr Franton in delight. "How lovely of you to drop in. Several hundred children need changing right now."
"Oh, shit!" Vila said accurately. "Wish I was back on Scorpio!"
He was.
The fairy was backed up against the wall by Avon at his most intimidating. "What have you done with Vila?" Avon demanded. He knew what he would ask for - to be so rich no one could touch him - but he had no intention of charging in where fools had not feared to tread until he had more data. Behind him, Tarrant smiled happily, dreaming of command of the best ship in the galaxy, while Soolin (who wanted to be a notorious Terra Nostra hit-woman) and Dayna (who wanted to blow up the biggest thing in existence) surreptitiously felt for their guns to take out the rest of the competition for the remaining two wishes.
"He's back," the fairy said, relieved, "look for yourself."
Avon whirled to see a very disoriented-looking Vila.
"Ah...who would like the last wish?" the fairy ventured nervously.
"The last wish?" Avon's eyes narrowed. "You promised three."
"Vila used the second one to get back here."
The rest of the crew shouted as one, "Vila!" and advanced threateningly on the hapless thief, who backed into Slave, thinking that asking to come back was possibly the biggest mistake of his life. "Oh no, I wish none of this had ever happened," he muttered miserably.
Everyone found themselves glaring at Vila, obscurely angry with him, and Vila gazed back, wondering why he felt so guilty.
"Uh, glass of wine, anyone?"
The end