Not quite so short, but too cracked to go anywhere else.
Avon fell, still laughing. He lay on the floor in a pool of blood, some of it his own, and continued to giggle maniacally. Vila stared at him with horror.
"Silence!"
It was Servalan, dressed as inappropriately as ever, Vila noticed. Pity she hadn't thought to wear red shoes. Oddly enough, Avon had obeyed her and lay there looking at her attentively, with not a sarcastic remark in sight.
"Get up. Both of you."
Avon and Blake rose, a little creakily, and stood in front of her like naughty boys before the headmistress, their hands folded meekly on their bleeding stomachs.
"Go and get Orac, Avon."
Without a word, Avon turned and left.
Servalan smiled at the troopers. "Most gratifying. It all worked very well, even though the Avon one seems to have developed a few bugs." She waved her hand negligently. "Lock them all up somewhere, section leader. They will stand trial on Earth."
"Even the androids, commissioner?"
"Of course. It's a lot cheaper than reprogramming people. It never really took on Blake."
The section leader clapped his hands. "Up you get then, everyone who wasn't shot. Come along. You were only stunned."
"Well I certainly am," Vila said. "In fact, I'm gob-smacked."
***
They sat miserably on the floor in a large, chilly, and empty storage room: Vila, stripped of his tools and his self-respect; Tarrant, bruised, battered, and covered in bandaids; Soolin, as cool as ever but beginning to get cold; Deva, his wounded arm in a sling and his hurt eyes on Blake; and the androids themselves, deactivated in the corner but still leaking a little red machine oil.
"We can't just sit here and wait," Tarrant said.
"If you've got a better idea, then tell us," said Vila. "If I had some tools, it might be another matter but they took everything metal off us. Pity Dayna isn't here, she'd be armed to the teeth." He glared at Avon. "If it wasn't for him—it, I mean—we'd be..." His voice trailed off.
"What?" Soolin asked.
"I helped Avon reprogram that Avalon android. Let's see..." Vila got up, advanced cautiously on Avon, and poked it in the arm. Reassured at its inertness, he slid his fingers into its hair and popped the side panel open. "There you go—a set of emergency tools. I'll soon have that door—"
"Wait." Soolin peered over his shoulder. "Do you remember what Avon did to it?"
"Eh? Oh, you mean reprogram him?" An evil grin spread slowly over Vila's face. "Yeah, I'd like that." His expression changed to the intent, closed look he got when working on a lock. He carefully broke the connection to the frontal lobes, made several other adjustments, then activated the control centre and opened it for input. "Avon? You will obey only me and you will ignore—"
"Vila!"
"Oh, all right. You will obey only me, Soolin, Tarrant, and Dayna if we find her. You will ignore the orders of anyone else." He paused. "Or anything else. Right?"
"Affirmative."
Vila shut Avon's head and smirked. "Really, Avon. I fail to see the point of extra syllables when one would suffice."
"Yes," the android said meekly.
Soolin smiled fondly at Vila and gave him a little push. "Stop looking so pleased with yourself and hack Blake."
"At last we can get out of here," Tarrant said. "Break the door down, Avon."
Avon took a step.
"Oh no you don't," Vila said, looking up from Blake's brain. "Stay, Avon." Avon did. Vila shook his head. "You've got no finesse, Tarrant. That'd make far too much noise. Leave it to a professional."
Tarrant was indignant. "Why did it obey you over me?"
Vila blinked. "Dunno, really. Natural authority? Hang on." He gave Blake the same orders as Avon, closed its panel, and started for the door.
Soolin laughed in realisation. "It seems the order of your orders has some bearing, Vila."
"Oh." Vila thought about it. "You mean I'm in charge?"
"Heaven help us," Tarrant muttered.
Vila opened the door with a flourish and stepped aside. "Robo-Blake and Avon can lead the way—and take the lead if there's any flying about for that matter. I'm going to enjoy giving them orders." He saw the wistful look on Tarrant's face, and sighed. "Oh, all right. Go on then."
"Avon, find Dayna," Tarrant said.
Deva spoke for the first time. "And Klyn too, Blake."
"And Klyn, whoever that is. Jump to it!" Vila said. His mouth dropped open. "Um, no, don’t do that. Just walk." He decided not to tell them to make it snappy.
***
Dayna sat up in the infirmary bed, scowling at the unappetising slop passing for lunch. The bowl was plastic, the spoon was plastic, and the bastards had removed her plastic explosive tooth. She was stuck here, and, what was worse, stuck with a rebel called Klyn Bottal who made Vila seem taciturn. She tried to ignore the woman.
"...shot by someone on my own side is hardly going to do anything for my rebel cred, is it? What do they call this stuff? Whoever made this has no taste buds or self-respect. I should give them a piece of my mind. As for that Avon, I’d tear him off a strip, I would..."
The door opened and Avon came in, followed by Blake, the man he’d shot. "Here’s your chance then," Dayna said, looking forward to it in several ways.
Avon and Blake stood side-by-side, looking blankly at her, which was very puzzling. Even stranger, they were still wearing their blood-stained clothes. Perhaps it was all they could find.
"I hope you brought me something to wear, Avon."
"Negative."
"Well, if you expect—" Then Vila popped out from behind them, and Dayna was never more pleased to see him. "Vila!"
Equally delighted, Vila gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, while, unseen behind him, Soolin's face darkened.
Dayna hugged Vila back. "I'm glad you're all right. But what's wrong with Avon?"
"It isn't Avon. He's one of Servalan's androids, and so is Blake. Don't worry, they're tame now."
"Well, that's a relief," Klyn said, slightly mollified. "Shot by an enemy android is acceptable, I suppose. And I've always thought 'friendly fire' to be rather a misnomer."
"Tarrant!" Dayna's grin widened at the sight of him, and Tarrant mirrored it, the combined wattage enough to light the whole base.
"Look," he said, pushing Vila aside, "let's make up. What with Zeeona, we're even now. What d'you say?"
Dayna scowled. "We were on a break. You can't hold Justin against me."
Tarrant, who had met Justin, suppressed a shudder at the thought. "We were not on a break," he hesitated at the look on Dayna's face, and added quickly, "But who cares about that now?"
"I do."
Tarrant sighed. "All right. We were on a break."
Dayna smiled triumphantly and held up her arms, and Tarrant scooped her into his.
"Klyn!" Deva came in.
"Sandy!"
"Darling!"
Vila watched them in their clinch, feeling rather left out, and not noticing that Soolin did too.
"Right," said Soolin, briskly clapping her hands. "We need a spaceship."
Deva tore himself away from Klyn. "Not us. We'll just grab a flyer from the silo. We've got a little hideaway, just for two."
"It's a log cabin," Klyn said. "It's called Logged Off. Sandy named it. Clever, isn't he?" She clutched the contented Deva to her bosom.
Soolin rolled her eyes and hopefully put herself in range of Vila, who was looking thoughtfully at the androids. She nudged him.
"Eh? Oh, hello, Soolin. I was wondering how long we've been making fools of ourselves following a piece of hardware around."
"Ask them," Soolin said dryly.
"All right then. You with the big nose. How long have you been pretending to be Avon?"
"One year, three weeks, five days, eighteen hours—"
"So he didn’t try to kill me." Vila beamed at Soolin.
"Where are the real Avon and Blake then?" Soolin asked. No one else seemed to have thought of that.
"Terminal," the androids said in chorus.
"I hope they mean the planet and not the state," Vila said.
***
Avon was bored. Cally did not see the point of chess, and Blake persisted in using his royal pieces to protect his pawns, saying it was their responsibility. There was no communication with the outside world, and Avon had fiddled with the base's food and environment systems until they worked perfectly. He had nothing to do but needle Blake and hope someone came in his lifetime. Even the Federation would be a welcome change to the monotony.
Blake was bored. He had irrigated fields and planted crops but the links showed no desire to take up agriculture or any other sort of culture for that matter. Avon was more irritating than on the Liberator. Blake was reduced to pacing the remoter corridors of the base, rehearsing rabble-rousing speeches and imitating the noise of distant massed applause.
Cally was bored. The links only scratched themselves when she thought at them, neither Blake nor Avon attended her relaxation classes, and she alternated between trying to contact Vila telepathically and mentally designing the necklace she would make of the disloyal little bastard's teeth if he ever showed up. He hadn't come back for her, and he'd mistaken an android for Avon. Fool.
***
Servalan inserted Orac's key. "Tell me how to regain my power."
"That is a laughably nebulous and ill-defined question. Do you mean your previous political position, or does the toaster fail to work? Be specific."
"I might remind you not to talk to me like that."
Orac hummed and twinkled.
"Talk to me!" Servalan said crossly.
"Make up your mind, if that is at all possible."
Servalan gritted her teeth. She had a headache and it was getting worse. "Outline the steps required for me to become President of the Federation."
"That is still too general. You must narrow your requirement to a logical query which has some possibility of an accurate and unequivocal answer."
"Don't be ridiculous. I see the big picture." Servalan waved her arms extravagantly. "I am a strategist. I give directions; others take care of the boring details."
"Then I cannot help you."
If Servalan had long enough hair to get hold of, she would have torn it out.
***
"Anyone home?" Vila called.
Avon leaped to his feet, his face alight with joy. He composed himself before Vila came in, and said sourly, "What took you so long?"
"Hello, Avon. Hello, Blake. Hello..." Vila trailed off, staring at another Vila Restal who stood silently in a corner, holding a tray with a flagon of adrenaline and soma and three glasses. "Oh, no! I'm not one too, am I?" He wondered if he'd even know, though surely androids didn't get hangovers and stress-related stomach cramps.
"One what?" Blake looked blank.
Avon understood however, especially when an even blanker-looking Blake followed Vila in, accompanied by an equally vacant Avon. "They never got it to work, Vila," he said gently. "Just as we failed with you. Its logic circuits kept frying."
"Oh." Vila was relieved to be human, then his face fell as he got the rest of it, and a closer look. "You might at least have dusted it," he mumbled.
"Look at it this way, Vila. You defeated the Federation's best cyberneticists."
Vila saw Avon smiling at him as if he liked him, just like that time at Ultraworld, and Blake was smiling too, and suddenly everything was all right after that terrible last year. He launched himself at them both. Blake engulfed him in a bear-hug, and Avon patted his shoulder.
"Well done, Vila, and welcome back," he said quietly.
Vila swallowed several times, unable to speak. It really did make it all worthwhile. "We've come to get you before Servalan thinks of it," he said at last. "We decided to move to the country. You know that nice quiet planet we had to take that neutro-thingy to?"
"Ah, yes. Your destination is Destiny."
"I am sure I sense Vila..." Cally stopped in the doorway. "It is him. But..." She closed her eyes and opened them again. There were still two Vilas, two Avons, and two Blakes.
"Cally!"
Vila threw himself into her arms, almost toppling her. Cally helplessly put her arms around him and looked over his shoulder as Dayna, Tarrant, and a very annoyed-looking blonde girl she had never seen before came in.
"I thought you were dead." Vila glared at Avon accusingly. "You said she...oh. Wasn't you, was it?" He looked back at Cally. "I thought I heard you die. You called for Blake."
"I was very surprised to see him." Cally disentangled herself, walked over to Avon, and deliberately pulled his arm around her. Avon looked annoyed, then long-suffering. Cally smiled at Vila and sent him her best wishes. I really think you should take some notice of that poor girl behind you. Do you realise she's in love with you?
Vila turned to see Soolin standing there looking sad. "Someone like you would want me?" he asked incredulously.
"Why not? You're sweet and gentle and funny and affectionate. Just one of those would make you stand out from the men I've known."
Vila blinked. Soolin embraced him, and he reciprocated enthusiastically.
"Right." Blake rubbed his hands together briskly. "We've got lots of work to do. The rebellion—"
Vila came up for air. "Don’t be revolting, Blake."
Six pairs of eyes and three pairs of people glared at Blake, who took a step back. "Well, perhaps I could find another crew..." His eyes lit on the androids. Hmm. Avon worked best with Vila around to tease him for some reason. Perhaps they could do something with the androids when they all got to Destiny. He could have a twin brother who would understand his devotion to the cause, an Avon who didn't argue, and a Vila who quite fearlessly cracked locks and jokes.
The future looked good.
The end